In Memoriam

Benazir Bhutto
1953 - 2007

My Personal "A Christmas Carol"

Despite my rants about almost ending up with a Christmas tree, I still eventually ended up with a 5 feet monstrosity last week; barely 24 hours after snubbing Christmas. I must admit it does light up an otherwise empty corner in the living room. Less than a week later, the lights stopped working like they were intended and starting flashing harshly in an alarming manner. So that means more money needs to be forked out for new lights. Altogether I spent less than RM150 on a religious holiday that wasn't even mine to celebrate. But that's alright, I thought, maybe I just needed to get into the spirit of things and be a little less Ebenezer Scrooge for once. I had been disillusioned with Christmas since I outgrew my childhood. I think it started with the day my mom refused to put up the Christmas tree anymore which I believe is still in storage somewhere in the attic storage, being a gecko maternity hospital judging from the eggshells we find there each year when we do open the box.

"It would just be a fur trap," she said. The three dogs who were the main culprits for the furballs had long since passed on. The current two, one is practically a walking mop and the other had hair too short to gather furballs. Still, the old plastic tree stayed where it rests today - its memory so dim I could hardly remember how it looked like other than the fact it was probably colourful and tacky due to lack of a theme. So perhaps it was in memory of this forsaken childhood tree that I set the current one up in my present home. And that my folks is the allegory of the Ghost of Christmas Past paying me a visit.

So since now I have a tree, I thought perhaps I should expand on it and go on with the pot-luck party which I had been half-heartedly planning since 2 months ago. So for once maybe I could break a successive chain of depressive Christmasses by livening it up with friends. I even had a wonderful idea of using the tree to start a Christmas tradition for years to come. Maybe everyone could bring a special ornament of their own to put on the tree each year to mark their attendance. So gleefully I shared my idea with friends, but much to my dismay, all but one so far was enthusiastic about the idea. ONE. So screw you, Ghost of Christmas Present. Anybody thinking of making this idea of mine work, let me know. But please don't do this out of sympathy - I'm doing this to bring friends together and as a thanksgiving of sorts for each other. With Christmas looming less than a week away, I have a feeling that tree is going to stay empty for this year.

And if the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come decides to pay me a visit, I am slamming a spade flat out on his f*cking boney face.

Stupid Tree Hugger

My favourite love-hate season is around the corner. I love it for the cosy and nostalgic mood it evokes and I hate it because I can never get cosy and the nostalgia makes me depressed. It's Christmas time folks, the season where everybody celebrates a holiday that nobody truly remembers what for. Originally to commemorate the birth of Christ whom bible historians believe was not even really born on December, 25th but probably somewhere in July. But thanks to the manipulations of the church, it was somehow moved to coincide with pagan winter festivals - probably to con pagans into converting. Seriously, so men gets to decide the Son-of-God's (who is suppose to be God's embodiment in the flesh but if that is the case why is God his own son?) birthday now? That aside, what are we really celebrating in Christmas anyway? I think Santa Claus and his gay elves are higher on the popularity list compared to Jesus on a holiday to remember his own birth.

Sorry, I am rambling and diverging from the original topic. Last night after feeling relatively disappointed and neglected over some issues, out of an inexplicable urge I almost ended up with a faux Christmas tree. For some reason I always liked these holiday monstrosities that cost a bomb and is only displayed once a year before being relegated to some obscure corner of the storeroom till one year later. I had the freaking 5 feet thing in my arms and was practically shopping for trimmings before I came to my senses. What the hell am I to do with a Christmas tree in a tiny suburban flat where pathetically single me lives alone and nobody ever bothers to visit (except when it suits their convenience)? I WASN'T EVEN A CHRISTIAN! I chucked the bloody thing in disgust back into its bin and got away from it as far as possible before my senses threaten to lapse again. Bear in mind I was at it for a full 30 minutes before logic finally surfaced.

I love/hate Christmas. It makes me feel funny. I don't like feeling funny. It's a time that makes me feel like spending quality time with loved ones when I would rather be left alone. The sight of Christmas trees makes me sigh, and then I feel like torching every single one I see with a flamethrower. It's the time of the year when my bed feels empty the most. What am I doing on that ruddy day? Screaming at gym members to pedal faster. Here's another Merry F*cking Christmas to me.

You Got Served

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Seriously, after dozens of times being regularly taken for granted I rarely ever take it to heart. And I am beginning to feel like a total idiot. I have a friend who has a bad habit of making me look like a gate-crasher by making me go to functions, gatherings and parties which I am not invited to. I have my suspicions on his intentions of doing so, but I shall not elaborate. Usually I will turn up, despite huge misgivings and much protest, solely because I take the role of "friend" way too seriously. So most of the time I end up in events where I stood up like a sore thumb with most attendees wondering why I was even there in the first place among unfamiliar peers - possibly questioning amongst themselves if I was actually even invited. Out goes my dignity through the window like a ready whore with legs akimbo.

And so came one day when I decided he should return the favour, though not in the same manner as gate-crashing. It was just doing something for someone he knew anyway. And the reply I got was:

"No. He asked you not me."

The very same words I use - every time he cajoles me into gate-crashing. Suffice to say, I wasn't amused. Snapping back would be pointless since he would just go on the defensive and behave like I just had something sandpaper-y and hard shoved up my ass and not worth paying any attention to. Someone just put me out of my misery already.

You.Complete.Meme.

I am bored so sue me. There's work to be done but I can't haul my sorry ass to finish it. Give me a break.

1. I've come to realise that my last kiss was one that I did not mean.

2. I am listening to the dead silence of the office and some chinese song playing on my colleague's pc.

3. I talk only when the key fits. At other times I have been said to be cold as ice.

4. I love not having to care about anything if I could.

5. My best friends are are people whom I could talk to. Not necessarily close, it's just that they have been around for a long time.

6. My car is a small affair but it gets me places.

7. My love life is like Ally McBeal, which spells comically tragic.

8. I hate it when people ask or spread rumours about my love life. Often I hear fantastical stories of my exploits which surprise even myself.

9. Love is something I hardly can remember anymore. I often live in fear that I will never love again.

10. Marriage is farcical and a relationship with guarantees of payback when it ends.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking about me in a fond manner but I am thinking about running away.

12. I'm always fantasizing of a better life.

13. I have a secret cheesy crush on someone at the gym who can barely speak English.

14. My cell phone is mostly silent and is an irritant mostly because of unwanted messages and calls.

15. When I wake up in the morning,I always feel like I have died a little in my sleep.

16. When I go to bed at night, I wish I can have some peace of mind.

17. Right now I am thinking about what a troubled person I am.

18. Babies are, smelly weird pudgy creatures which may or may turn into a good looking person.

19. I get on MySpace, only to find that it's such user-unfriendly piece of trash.

20. Today I wish I could tell someone I do not love him.

21. Tonight I will probably be still thinking of the same thing.

22. Tomorrow I will be hoping that I could finally do it

23. I really want to feel at peace

24. Someone that will most likely repost this is someone who is just as bored as me.

Beauty & The Beast

It pays to be pretty. When you're good looking, you simply can do no wrong, even if you're a serial child molester who dines on your neighbours' pets. It is not unusual to find a pretty boy ranting on his blog about "all the injustices of the world" and the mindless fans from near and far who quickly rally on his comment string to offer their support and sympathies. All in hopes of either consciously or unconsciously getting into pretty boys pants. Pretty boy's dilemmas by the way will usually consist of trivial things like:

"Oh why does no one understand the poor little ugly boy behind this pretty face?"
(To which fans will usually will attempt to dispel pretty boy's "insecurities" by telling him how pretty he is inside out)

"Oh why does no one like me?"
(Yeah right!)

"Yeer, I have a pimple on my face... not pretty anymore liao"
(Again fans will rally to comfort pretty boy on how he is still pretty to them)

And they can write the most outrageously pretentious poetic rubbish that no one really understands but yet fans will nod approvingly and praise pretty boy on how intelligent and talented he is. I am tempted to cut and paste examples of such comments here but that would be an act of provocation so I will just have make do with general examples. Trust me, the things that pretty boys' fans say are so cliched they make Jack and Rose believably tragic.

I will not deny that I get envious at times from how pretty people seem to get all the good attention so it tends to raise my hackles whenever pretty people start complaining about their love lives when they could almost easily have whoever they want by flashing their million dollar smiles. I have been known to my friends to be quite merciless with my comments, even if I happen to be dating a pretty boy. I simply refuse to fuel their need to have their egos stroked. You know you're pretty so shut up and be pretty. So when it comes to me, they are rather aghast and taken aback at my bluntness which is uncommon among their legion of fans. So yes, pretty boys don't expect me to offer you candy, but if you want to see the uglier side of life, baby, I'm your man.

Beyonce Shmyonce

If I have to hear another queen whine about Beyonce canceling her scheduled concert in KL I will bust a nut. I don't give a rat's ass about whether or not the reasons she canceled was due to the government's strict dress code for stage performances. Don't get me wrong, I am not exactly fond of the government's dim-witted conservative backward mentality or the Muslim hardliners' fondness for women to be wrapped up like popiahs.

If you want to look at it from a religious point of view, seriously if God wants you to be all wrapped up He wouldn't have made Adam and Eve naked. Rather He would have made them equipped with unremovable jubahs and burqas. The whole concept of feeling shame of one's naked flesh came not from God, but from humankind's own incurable curiosity to disobey His strict orders not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. And stop sneering you dumb male chauvinists, Eve didn't force the fruit down Adam's throat. The damn fool took it willingly. God didn't only throw Eve out, he threw BOTH of them out because both were equally guilty. And be reminded that men's first clothing were fig leaves, so all they covered were their privates, nobody said anything about hair, shoulders, knees or whatever.

In any case, I am rambling. Yes, I don't care if Beyonce is coming or not. I would not waste good money on that talentless over-the-top hack. I would pay to watch her tumble down 12 flights of stairs again though. I will pay extra if she lands flat on her face. Anyone who has to cancel their appearance because they are forbidden to flaunt and shake their boobies and booty on stage to cover up their lack of talent is better off not coming anyway. Tells you something doesn't it? Religious fanatics and Beyonce fans, don't bother arguing. You're dumb and I'm brilliant. Such narcissism, I know, Laynie would have been proud.

Me

Most days I feel like I am constantly abusing or punishing myself for something. The only problem is I don't know what that something is.

Maybe it is for the one night stands which I thought will make me feel better but only made me feel worse.

Maybe it is for the times I could have made a difference in someone's life but I didn't.

Maybe it is just for the reason that I am never satisfied with myself.

Maybe it is just because I plain hate myself and I am constantly at war with my soul.

It is on days of such that I do impulsive things so that I don't have to look like myself. So if anyone is wondering about the dyed hair, there's your answer. Last Sunday after torturing myself in the gym, I decided I just decided I did not like the person in the mirror so I got a haircut and changed my hair colour. I don't feel like I am living for myself, like I am some perverted caricature person that my peers, family and society expect me to be.

And so I go on day after day denying myself the enjoyment of life. Little things I could always do to make myself feel better, like go on a holiday. But I keep telling myself I cannot afford it even though I know very well I could. It would set finances back for a few months but do I really need to be so thrifty? And there are the occasions that I keep feeding myself junk simply because I feel stressed and depressed only to regret it later on. All it takes is someone telling me that I have put on weight and I will feel like I have put on a 100lbs. Rejection makes me feel like I am unwanted and ugly. Acceptance fills me with dread and phobia.

Right now I just don't feel like doing anything. I know I am not happy but I don't know what can cheer me up. I just feel like going home, strip off everything and hide under the covers, sleep and never wake up.

Garden Of Souls

People will say I am morbid but I love cemeteries. Sure they are places of death and mourning but they are also very peaceful. Back in my hometown, I used to live walking distance from a chinese cemetery probably as old as the town itself judging from some of the crumbling tombstones. It's a pity I don't know how to read chinese or I would know this for sure. There were evenings which I would spend jogging at the cemetery rather than the noisy human infested Lake Gardens.

Don't I find it scary? I guess not. In fact after a while, the dead almost seem like old friends with their familiar tombs. Like one of those crazy in your head moments from Six Feet Under where characters speak with the dead, you can almost imagine them lounging among their graves greeting you as you go by. I guess that is why some people call cemeteries, gardens of souls. Of course I have never seen anything out of the ordinary amidst the broken stones so I generally think the whole concept of cemeteries being horrible places is pure codswollop perpetuated by Hollywood horror films. Nothing much other than the occasional squirrel, some monkeys and yes, even farm animals like chickens, cows and goats live among the dead - which can be a real nuisance if you ever seen the size of cow crap.

I think jogging in the cemetery is among one of the things I missed the most after starting life in KL.

He Will Be Loved

I must have at least seen this video a dozen times with no audio, thanks to Fitness First's Astro broadcast. For those who are not familiar with this, you have to plug in headphones to sockets mounted on the treadmills, steppers and exercise bikes to get the audio of at least six different channels that they have on different TV sets at the same time. Because I rarely if ever use the aforementioned machines I don't get to hear whatever I am watching, so using my imagination to fill in the gaps have become somewhat a norm.

So anyway this particular video tends to get a lot of airplay whenever I am either working out with weights or waiting to do my class. Every time I see it I've always wondered who the hot guy in the video was. Before you shriek how can I not know who that is, let me finish my story first OK? My imagination tends to lend him a deep sexy masculine voice not unlike that of Chris Daughtry or perhaps J.D. Fortune of INXS. The music, judging from the video, I would imagine it to be somewhat along the lines of INXS or U2. As for some reason I always seem to be missing out the credits displayed at the start or end of the video, I didn't even know what band or who the singer was.

OK now you can shriek at my ignorance. Only did I realise last night that I was oogling at the lead member of the band (for three months at least), whose music drives me up the wall and makes me switch stations everytime they play on radio - Maroon 5. I was oogling at Adam Levine, whose voice makes me want to strangle the owner. Seriously, it's a crime for such a handsome face to have such an irritating voice. It's like David Beckham, such a manly face (I still think he's gay though), but with a voice that induces an imagination of me slapping him repeatedly with my sandals. What... I never really liked them so I never did bother to find out how they all looked like OK? And despite the irony that I now find the lead singer highly attractive does not change my opinion that the music is like fingernails across a blackboard to my ears. Can God like switch his body with that of new INXS frontman J.D. Fortune? Don't get me wrong, J.D. Fortune is hot but looks totally gay. Besides I think that will make me appreciate Adam Levine more.

The Fool

I don't know what has gotten into me or why I agreed to the date. Maybe it was at first I thought he was cute in picture and most importantly he had a nice personality. Then when I met him and he turned out not as cute as I thought he would be. But he could be, if I put him in one of my classes everyday for the next 3 months. I know, call me superficial but I think in recent years I have learned to accept that all living things are biologically superficial. It helps strengthen the gene pool. Natural selection favours the strong and the pretty, though being gay kind of negates that theory since we don't breed. We just imitate the act.

Anyway, I don't think I am ready after my disastrous attempt at a relationship 3 months ago. Considering the guy himself seems to able to talk about nothing but his ex. Who is he kidding, he is barely over his ex. Everything he liked about me, he compared to his ex, down to how my weight feels the same on his motorbike. Yes, he took me on a "joyride" on his motorbike. It was so romantic I could have threw up from how cliche it was but I felt nothing because I just didn't feel physically attracted to him. Being a piscean as well makes him a bit way too intense for my liking. I seem to have an affinity to these fish types and in the end they always make me feel like I want to go on a morphine induced coma for the rest of my life. The other thing being he didn't even realise he had a piece of vegetable stuck between his teeth for the whole duration of time he was speaking to me since dinner and that he forgot to zip his pants after a visit to the men's room. Me being too polite, just kept my mouth shut and had my Ally McBeal moments in silence.

Which boils down to the question, why did I even agree to it. Maybe I am being too nice to say no. I told him to expect nothing, that it was nothing but just a try at dating. It that warning enough? Or perhaps I am being too judgmental of his appearance to let it overshadow his nicer personality? So maybe I am not wrong to give him a small chance, right? RIGHT?

In Memoriam

Luciano Pavarotti
1935 - 2007

Impermanence

There is a scene from Neil Gaiman's Endless Nights (yes that is what my blog's name is based on) in the story Destruction on the Peninsula, where an archaeologist often have visions of a post apocalyptic hell in which everything is in ruins and every person on the street was dead and decomposing. For the past week since Robin's death I have often returned to the memory of his disturbingly "restored" corpse lying in the casket. I am no stranger to the topic of death but it's often like a revisit through an old photo album of the subject whenever someone close passes on. And then I imagine the body decomposing underneath the silent earth in its claustrophobic box. In the enclosed oxygen deprived environment it would probably mummify. In a few years, the casket will eventually give way to rot, finally allowing further decomposition to continue. In a decade or so, nothing left but bones. In a few hundred years, the gravestone would have weathered, perhaps rendering the identity of the grave occupant anonymous. A thousand years, nothing more than graying bones. All those who have lived with his memory had long since been lost - me included.

I stepped into the gym and after a grueling workout, I stood on the balcony surveying the floor. Overweight people huffing and puffing on the treadmills while the others half-heartedly heaving on the various exercise machines. Their personal trainers stood by, goading them on. Pretty people with their fine sinewy bodies effortlessly punishing their bodies to further perfection. Suddenly before my eyes, all of them became decayed corpses, dead, jaws slack and opened - worm food. As pretty as we are now, we will all come to the same destination eventually. Death waits at the crossroads with a patient smile. I echoed her smile.

The Wake

To me it is always a good thing to die young, however it is a tragedy for those you leave behind, I mean if you really do go somewhere when you die. Nowadays I must say my faith in the afterlife is not too strong. For some reason I am surrendered to the notion that when the heart stops and the brain dies, that's it. No light at the end of the tunnel, just nothing. The person we once were is just snuffed out to make way for the next generation. Yesterday's leftovers in the cycle of life.

Whatever my beliefs are, young deaths are never easy to accept, as in my cousin's case. I will not relate the cause of death but I would say in my personal opinion, was senseless. Funerals are for the living and so family and friends gathered last night, or at least those who could come anyway. I am never one too keen on family gatherings but being one who valued familial bonds I was compelled to attend the wake. What can I say? In reality, wakes of those who die of natural causes are rarely ever sombre. Mildly depressing maybe but never sombre. In a way they are no different from weddings, there are laughter and there are tears. Mostly tears but the laughter is always present. Most of all you find revelations and questions about the deceased that no one ever spoke of before.

I was pretty hesitant to view the casket and I knew I would regret it when I did but I went ahead with it anyway. And as I anticipated I did regret my decision. When the person is gone they just cease to be the person that you know. That was not the cousin I know lying in that wooden box. No offence Robin but we should sue the funeral director for the poor caricature they made of your body. One of the cousins commented he looked happy, I begged to differ. Maybe it was an act of self reassurance, but he certainly didn't look happy to me. The photo of him laughing on display, now that is him. Speaking of not happy, I immediately found myself whored to eligible female friends of his sister whom I am close with, much to my chagrin. But it wasn't a night to take centerstage so I held my tongue and led myself to be introduced as the eligible "good looking cousin".

I am most concerned for my aunt. Her hair is already too white for her age. Losing my uncle was one thing, but losing my cousin was probably a blow to her that I couldn't even begin to imagine. The old should never have to send off the young. The funeral is today but I am not attending due to work commitments. Why do I feel so guilty?

In Memory of Robin

Eat My Ass

Normally my only reaction to Axcesticon is a roll of eyes or a snort of contempt at yet another attempt to glorify gayness. Last year's was pretty cheesy at most. This time around, my eyes nearly fell out of their sockets when I logged in and was greeted by this picture. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean it in a good way. Can someone point out to me what's wrong with this this picture? What they heck, I will say it anyway. If I were the guy in the middle I would be totally terrified that I have a perverted looking character peeling my pants and looking mighty pleased like as if he was about to eat my ass.

Seriously, no offence to any of the contestants, but if I found out that I am being portrayed like a pervert about to chew someone's ass I would go all out to block this image from ever seeing the light of day. Murder, if that is what it takes. It's not even pornographic. It's just plain salah.

Well Blow Me...

The amazing Annie Lennox is back! Her PR machine clicked into high gear today and it was formally announced that the singer's new album is titled "Song Of Mass Destruction" and will be out in stores on October 2.

Click on the image above to get a better view of the very theatrical and slightly eerie cover art for the new album.

Highlight on "Song Of Mass Destructions" is the song "Sing" that includes Madonna, Sarah McLachlan, Celine Dion, Fergie, Faith Hill, Pink, Dido, Gladys Knight, kd Lang, Angelique Kidjo, Bonnie Raitt, Shakira, Melissa Etheridge, Anastasia, Joss Stone, KT Tunstall and many others.

The song was inspired by Annie's involvement with Nelson Mandela's 46664 and Treatment Action Campaign (TAC) organizations fighting for human rights, education and health care for those affected by the HIV AIDS virus. (Kudos to Matt for having the scoop a few weeks ago and giving me heads up.)

Read the entire press annoucement about "Songs Of Mass Destruction" after the jump.

NEW ALBUM “SONGS OF MASS DESTUCTION” TO BE

RELEASED OCTOBER 2nd 2007.

"I feel closer to my own cutting edge than before and my voice seems to be in it's prime" - Annie Lennox

(NEW YORK) - July 18, 2007 - Multi-million selling, iconic artist Annie Lennox will release her fourth solo album, “Songs Of Mass Destruction,” on October 2nd, 2007 through Arista Records. The album was recorded in London, Los Angeles and Miami with veteran producer Glen Ballard (of Alanis Morissette’s 'Jagged Little Pill' fame).

In a career that has spanned over 25 years, including the 15 years since Annie released her first solo album, Diva, no other British female artist has achieved so much recognition. Over 78 million in global sales, and 33 hit singles compliment the 4 Grammies, 11 BRITS, 5 Ivor Novellos, the Oscar, and the 2 Golden Globes amongst other accolades.

“Songs Of Mass Destruction” showcases an artist who is unafraid of pushing boundaries and challenging herself. Annie delivers thought provoking and intelligent lyrics matched with her distinctive pop sound. She says that this album is the closest she’s been so far to that authentically raw and emotional place, infused with the contrasts of beauty, yearning and sadness. The result, from the haunting introductory song, 'Dark Road' to the closing epic, 'Fingernail Moon', is a sumptuous musical soundscape within which Annie's soulful voice shines and soars.

In addition to being an incredibly successful artist, Annie is a celebrated activist and humanitarian. The new album features the soaring and powerful feminist anthem 'Sing', born out of Annie's involvement with Nelson Mandela's 46664 and Treatment Action Campaign (TAC) - organizations fighting for human rights, education and health care for those affected by the HIV AIDS virus. The track 'Sing' features 23 of the most recognized and successful female solo artists in the world, invited by Annie, to raise awareness and finances for TAC initiatives. Included among the group are superstars such as Madonna, Sarah McLachlan, Celine Dion, Fergie, Faith Hill, Pink, Dido, Gladys Knight, kd Lang, Angelique Kidjo, Bonnie Raitt, Shakira, Melissa Etheridge, Anastasia, Joss Stone, KT Tunstall and many others, as well as TAC activist members own vocal group known as 'The Genetics', whose CD of music inspired Annie to make 'Sing' a reality.

This article is lifted from arjanwrites music blog.

Oh I can hardly wait! She sounds absolutely great with her new single Dark Road which seems a return to prime after her dismal sounding last album Bare!

A Comparison

A topic that I have often discussed with friends is why gay relationships usually fail in comparison with straight relationships. Not to say our straight counterparts have it any easier, they probably have their own troubles as well. So what is it that makes straight relationships last longer in comparison to our often two months flings? Here's an easy pictorial journey:

In an average heterosexual's life:

The teenage years

The adult years

Marriage

Pregnancy

Family life

The kids grow up and have their own families

And then they grow old together

In an average homosexual's life:

First year of coming out

...average of 10x during the first year

5 years in the gay scene

...already lost count after the second year

10 years in the gay scene

...no longer counting

30 years in the gay scene

No more "I love you's"... (At 50 years)

Your funeral, and that's the only guy who ever loved you but you didn't realise attending in drag

Any questions?

Scout's Honour

I remembered the time I was passed over from being selected for scouts. It was back in primary school and I was given a miss over the excuse that the quota is full. Right, what rubbish. In any case, I wasn't overly disappointed, considering the scout teacher was a total psycho case. If he was still a teacher today I think he would have long since found himself behind bars for abuse and assault. Seriously back then, Mr. Psycho had a reputation for excessive use of force. Rumour had it that he had drew blood before from past students and that his wife left him because of spousal abuse.

Anyway, bitter and disillusioned about being rejected from the "exclusive boys' club", I ended up becoming a member of the St. John's Ambulance instead. Go ahead, laugh and call me a fag. In times of emergency, a medical officer can strip anyone of their rank for being medically incompetent and take charge. Take that you testosterone filled brats. In any case, the scouts are not as manly as one would assume. The founder, Robert Baden-Powell was speculated to be a repressed homosexual who often praised the male anatomy and denigrated the female one. He also enjoyed seeing his underlings stripped down for a swim and had a special youthful "friend" whom he fondly refers to as "the boy". So the next time you scout boys think you're so manly, just remember you had your origins as an old pervert's fantasy.

A Message From The Dark Side There Is...

I am not as guiltless and righteous as I may seem most of the time to most people. More than often many have had the notion that just because I rarely seem interested in the issue of coupling means I rarely if ever participate in carnal desires. I had my fair share of empty passions, usually to just temporarily fill a void. But no, this does not happen often, and I can still count such encounters with one hand thankfully. As are all one night stands, the remedial effects usually last as long as the act itself. After which, leaves one feeling more empty than ever and at worst, bring undesired attention later on.

Retribution finally caught up me this morning when I was rudely awoken at 6am by a message alert which all my friends know is a loud Yoda declaring, "Mmmm... a message from the dark side there is...". It couldn't be more appropriate. Turns out the message was from someone I did the dirty with over a year ago as fuck therapy after having my heart broken. Let's call this someone, "Ray". After having slept with Ray twice and toyed with the idea that maybe we could see each a regularly (though knowing for sure that the idea was as stupid as putting a can in the microwave), I cut off contact with him after a brief period of silence led him to not remember who I was on MSN. Talk about major blow to the dignity. So imagine my surprise at the message this morning. Ray wants someone to hug him because he is feeling the blues. This one will go down in my books as the most odd request made the most odd hour. Certainly one does not message a fling from a year ago for hugs after a long period of silence do they? It is almost an invitation for a bitch slap.

However ever the nice person, I just told him to just go to sleep and he will feel better when he wakes up and left it just at that. Bewildered by the strange exchange, I could no longer go back to sleep. It's one of those days when I wish my life was a lot more simpler, where I live in Tuscany with dogs and an olive orchard and my neighbours are weird Italians who are forever jolly and eccentric.

BEEFCAKE!!!

7 months ago I hauled my sorry ass for a long delayed trip down to Singapore for the first time in almost 20 years and I returned with this book.



Honestly, I haven't heard of Vincent Ng until I saw this book. Supposedly he is a former national athlete in Singapore and is currently now a MediaCorp artiste. Actually I don't know if I should use the word "artiste" considering most reviews about him speaks of how he acts like a block of wood and the only saving grace about him are constant scenes of him topless. I admit, my shallowness got the better of me when I bought the book but I did rant for a long time I wanted to work towards achieving a body like Mr. Ng. The book is a hoot, with language an amateur could beat without trying. But what healthy hot-blooded gay male wouldn't give in to such wanton display of muscular man flesh, right? RIGHT??

7 months later and I am nowhere near this. Don't blame Vince's book though, I am not exactly the most disciplined person when it comes to eating but yet I work out more religiously than religion. One of the reasons why my recent attempt at a relationship failed was because I preferred working out to paktor-ing. When I tell people I am a gym instructor, the first reaction I usually get will be, "Wow, you must have six packs!". Yes I do have six packs, but they come in a convenient bargain of ONE large pack. OK maybe I am being a bit too modest, it's not exactly a large pack but it is not definitely something I would flaunt around shirtless without sucking in my breath. RPM everyday takes a chunk out of my attempts to bulk up but the good side of it is that it keeps me on the lean side, except again, on the abs part.

So now on the seventh month of owning the book and leaving it languishing at my bedside, I am finally making yet another attempt to turn myself into a Vincent Ng clone, just his body that is, heaven forbid, not his wood block acting skills and horrible England. As I told rpmnut, he can't act to save his nuts.

Good luck to me. For the amusement of my readers, here is an excerpt of an interview with Vincent Ng just to show that the only desirable part about him is his body.

Q : Which muscle best describes who you are and why?
Vincent: “I guess it might be my stomach muscles. Most people I meet in photo shoots normally ask me how I achieve my abs but I actually don’t do much to achieve my six-pack. If you ask me which muscles I like best in my body, I’ll say my back muscles; I think they are neglected hahah!” His manager muttered to us nonchalantly: “Aiyah, Vincent can get a six-pack just by sneezing!” Hahah!

Q : Did you go for any waxing or body hair removal for the photos in the book?
Vincent: “Never.”

Q : Weren’t you worried about any hairs peeking out?
Vincent: “They (the photographers) did find a nipple hair lah… the hair on my right nipple is quite long lah… but it can’t be seen in the photo.”

Q : What about the lower part of your body? After all, you wore only briefs in some photos.
Vincent: “No mah… can’t be seen… ok lah… it’s quite well-hidden. I tucked in everything.” (Stifled chuckles all around at Vincent’s choice of words)

Q : Well, did you trim yourself?
Vincent: “A bit lah… nothing drastic… I tucked most of them in lah…”

Elliot Almighty

Now what would happen if God in the guise of Morgan Freeman decides to grant me omnipotent powers to teach me a lesson due to my discontent towards life in general. I would say it would be His biggest mistake after Lucifer... and humans. OK, before I get trashed for being sacrilegious, this entry is not meant to offend the Almighty. Honestly if I were a god, mankind would tremble in fear. They would be sacrificing everything from their pets to their children in hopes of placating my wrath. For one thing I would have no qualms about making dramatic appearances and demonstrating my awesome powers to terrorise mankind into submission.

Forget burning bushes, angels, prophets and saints, I would be making personal appearances Godzilla style. I would smite disbelieving humans in an overkill display of godly powers.

Puny human: You're not God... you're a MONSTER! I don't believe in you!!!
*KRAKOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!*
*Puny human disintegrates in a pile of cinders*
Spouse of puny human: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
*KRAKOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!*
*Spouse of puny human also disintegrates in a pile of cinders*
*Laughs maniacally*

I would be parting traffic jams like the Red Sea everyday on my way to work, or rather I would just blast them out of my way. Wait, why would God even need to work? On the good side, there would be no extremism because zealots would be too busy worshiping me in terror, of which there would still be no respite anyway because I would still be busy zapping at random just because I like doing it. Why bother worshiping then? Don't do it and I still smite the poor sods with a giant fist from the heavens. I will erase the troublesome Middle-East with but a stroke of my thumb and turn everyone there gay just because it seems ironically amusing to me. I will turn all the Chinese into tree hugging hippies and the Americans into fabulously campy cross dressers. FEAR ME!!!

Unfortunately, it is just another boring week day in the office, and God I am not. But one can still daydream no?

Harry Potter & The Gay Innuendos

I was among the throngs of Dementhors... excuse me, demented people who embraced the throngs to watch the fifth big screen adaptation of Devil's henchwoman... I'm sorry, J.K. Rowling's piece of hacked-up cat furball of a book, Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix. My question is, what order? Judging from my none too kind opinion, I am sure one would have already guessed without much difficulty that I am not much of a fan of the geeky one who survived because some baddie without a nose didn't have much sense to use more traditional methods to murder a baby instead of sticking a wand where it didn't belong.

Sean had to bribe me with this to watch the movie

But anyway, back to the question, yes, what order? I don't know if it was because the original plot of the book was heavily condensed for the motion picture, but it sure fits poorly especially when the aforementioned order only makes up less than 10 minutes of screen time. That refers too to the ensemble of Oscar winners and nominees and A-grade thespians who make an appearance. One would wonder what Emma Thompson's Sybill Trelawney or Maggie Smith's Minerva Mcgonagall was doing in there or Helena Bonham Carter's Bellatrix LeStrange too other than to screech wildly before despatching Gary Oldman's Sirius Black (which I understood had fans protesting and sobbing buckets). And if anyone is thinking Ralph Fiennes' Voldermort is the main villain, you are gravely mistaken. In fact he just ends up looking retarded with every close up, noseless. What a waste of Mr Fiennes' good looks. The honor instead goes to the annoying Dolores Umbridge (Imelda Staunton), whom I must praise, made the character absolutely hateful. Enough to make you wish you did not have to tolerate another appearance of her pussy obsessed character.

Other than that, the whole movie was just nothing more than a rollercoaster of amusement decked with all the trappings of yet another Hollywood blockbuster, nothing more. I thought it had plots and effects shamelessly stolen from Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. What kept me entertained was the variety of unintentional (or was it?) gay innuendos riddled throughout the movie, including Sirius Black's unabashed gushing and adoration for Harry's late father James Potter. Albus Dumbledore's last line, "I care for you too much, Harry" had me in stitches. I am sure you do you dirty old fucker.

This Episode Has Been Brought To You By The Number 4

Hooray, I am slapped with a meme. Finally, fun with questions.

4 jobs I've had in my life:

1. Promoter - For one month during my third year in university, I was one among the slaves who toil at one of the great monuments of capitalism that is Mid Valley Megamall. Until today I have great empathy to these frontline cannon fodders of those pretentious clothing brands. To this very day, I have a distinct hatred towards security guards of a certain departmental store for their anal ways. However, never since then have I had colleagues who were that fun to work with.

2. Multimedia/Web Designer - I am not sure you could even call this work. I was paid a measly RM700 the first month and then nothing for the next three. How I managed to survive that long surprises me to this day. I was young then and very much in love. Yes I worked with the ex, and the explosive confrontation in and out of the office shall forever scar my memory. But being trained in this line, I am still a web designer till the present.

3. Writer - This was one of the best jobs ever, great colleagues, great perks. Pity the evil fiend of a marketing director whom we are still in the middle of suing.

4. Group Exercise Instructor - A profession I accidentally stumbled upon, and never looked back since. I get paid to exercise and yell at people now who wouldn't want that?


4 movies I can watch over and over again

1. Under the Tuscan Sun - A chick flick with a not too conventional but idealistic love story loosely based on the book of the same name. Plenty of lovely Italian scenery.

2. Calmi Cuori Appassionatti - A multi-lingual love story starring Kelly Chen and Yutaka Takenouchi about a lover's tiff which separated a pair of lovers for 10 years and a promise to meet again at the Duomo in Florence. Soundtrack by Enya and yes, more love scenery of Italy.

3. The Sweetest Thing - A total no brainer romance-comedy with Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair that serves no purpose other than to make you feel good on your worst days.

4. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy - Do I need to explain this one?

4 places I've been on vacation

1. Singapore - I like this city state. It reminds me of Legoland.

2. Lang Tengah - A quaint little island on the east coast neighbouring Redang and Perhentian. I have always hoped to go back but haven't come about to doing that.

3. Langkawi - I thought it was nice the first time I went there, then it just lost its novelty the second time around. The best part of the whole trip was my mom's quest to locate her long lost landlord who kindly took her in during the days when she was a struggling trainee teacher sent to no man's land. Turns out missing landlord's family is now one of the richest on the island.

4. Melaka - Though I am just a mere one and a half hour's drive away from this place, the rustic feel of Melaka town never fails to calm me down. I had a totally tragic date which turned out to be one of the best there. I had not went back since the relationship turned ugly.

4 favourite foods

1. Yin Yeung
2. Braised Yee Mee
3. Jalan Gasing Chicken Rice
4. Just about any kind of fruits except durians and jackfruits.


4 favourite places I'd like to visit

1. Italy - refer to above.
2. Egypt - I am just dying to see mummies.
3. Greece - I am just dying to see who came after the mummies.
4. Europe - I am just a sucker for rustic European landscapes.

4 most overused words

1. "Sungguh!"
2. "OMG/Oh my God"
3. "Mahder (mother)"
4. "Kan ne... (Fuck...)"

4 TV shows I love

1. Ally McBeal - Do I need to say more?
2. All 3 CSI's - I just love those whodunnit series.
3. Star Trek - I can just re-watch these over and over again, except Enterprise, that one sucked.
4. Six Feet Under - There's something about this series that just keeps me hooked. Used to watch it with the ex. It took me over three years before I eventually went back to completing the whole series.

Nobody Sleeps

And so I am back after almost a month on hiatus, not that I was really truly away anyway since I actually log on everyday, just that I never bothered to post anything. I really should be working but I am not and for what is worth, I don't really care. I hardly have time for myself nowadays. My house is in a bloody mess, and for some probably loneliness driven reason, I got myself involved with someone. Don't think I want to discuss this as of yet as I have no real vision of where this is headed but for once, maybe I am with somebody who likes me more than I like him. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing, we shall see as time goes by. I don't know if I am feeling happy or not, but ever since falling out of a messy love affair over a year ago, I set my life on a fast pace and found it very hard to slow down since. Finding time to cultivate a relationship at the moment makes it feel like I drove right into traffic jam.

There are differences to work out which I have yet to overcome. Things which have I picked up along the way to keep me going which I am still reluctant to sacrifice to sustain a second person in my life. The ghosts of previously failed loves return to haunt me periodically though I might say they are more of an annoyance than a source of fear. I think I have become so jaded that the fear of falling out again seem trivial. However I have not found the generosity in me to forgive exes and former lovers. It feels remarkable to me sometimes how one can love and hate someone at the same time. Perhaps those two are the one and the same after all. Love is hate, hate is love. Without one, there is no other.

Of recent as well, I found myself mentioned in passing from someone's blog. A mention from a time when I spent hours on mIRC while I was in university because back in those days, internet was the only entertainment you could find. My university is located in what today I still term as Nuclear Holocaust. Nothing but barren red earth for miles. Buildings so sterile that algae wouldn't even grow on the walls. There are roads that abruptly end mid-air (I am not kidding). In any case, the location mattered little, it's a more decadent past I would rather put behind. I think my IRC nickname is still notorious till today, my dry humour and sarcasm in chatrooms coupled with a good command of English was often taken as a sign of arrogance by most. Then again it was an image I often encouraged. Still, it was pretty unnerving to see my nickname mentioned again after all these years since I retired mIRC. Even the chatroom in which I promoted my notoriety is no longer in existence. I often found it amusing that people often tried to put a face to that personality I cultivated online. More often than not, those who do eventually see the real me still maintain that impression from cyberspace. Cold, bitchy, arrogant, aloof.

Some things never change even if you do.

Madonna is Evil

I have seen this video since some time back, but it only occurred to me recently how prophetic it might be. In any case, take a look at it first then you will know what I am talking about. Of course everyone remembered that infamous lesbian smooch between Madonna and Britney Spears. At that point of time, Madonna had just release her last single, "Hollywood" from her dismal album American Life. You would think her "Madgesty" had probably seen better days. Britney of course had yet to make her idiotic gaffs that had probably made immediate rival, Christina Aguilera, smirked with satisfaction.

Remarkably enough, not long after that Madonna made a spectacular comeback with Confessions On The Dancefloor while Britney's once glittering career was in ruins, spent on marrying obvious losers and making babies and also making a total ass out of herself. I also happened to read about an interview with Madonna on the gay magazine "Out" yesterday in where she tells her daughter Lourdes that the infamous liplock was some kind of "energy exchange" of sorts. Christ, everyone knows she's bitchy, but now she is just plain evil.

I almost feel sorry for Britney.

Almost.

Blow Hot, Blow Cold

No you perverts, it's not a new form of oral stimulation. I am talking about the weather these past few weeks. During the day it's so hot that you can make a stew at the sidewalk. On second thought, better not, because you're likely to burn a hole in your pot. Then on occasions during the night, it begins to rain cats and dogs and a cow or two although the past few days we're seeing less of those.

Take last weekend for example, not only was it hot but I also had the pleasure of my mom's company yet again in less than a week since her last visit. So to top it off we had errands to run around town. The city was literally baking, even keeping to the shade was no respite. I think the worst part was sending her off at the Puduraya bus station. I think I sweat so much it made my sweating in RPM look like a light misting and believe me, I sweat A LOT. The bus station felt like a furnace and the jostling people and haggling conductors only further aggravated my stretched limit. But of course, due to the fact that it was my mother I had to play gallant and accompany her for an hour plus before her bus arrived, even when she told I can leave. When she finally got onto the bus, I think I almost ran to the refuge of my car air conditioner. I think I would have ran too if I didn't think it would make me even more hotter. When I finally got back after the long drive home (of which the car air conditioner did little to alleviate my condition), I thought I would never be that fast and happy to get out of my clothes - sexual situations exempted.

Late into the night however, a freaky storm started to rage around my area. All a sudden without a warning, winds started whipping the trees outside like as if they were going to get uprooted. For a second, I almost thought it would. Can't say much about the rain though. I think I have pee that comes out stronger than the trickle I saw last night.

Slogan This

Did anyone notice the recent increase of cars with slogan stickers at the rear windscreen? You know, the kind usually with some witty words designed to either amuse or annoy the driver behind you. For me unfortunately, I fall in the category of the latter. At first it seem amusing because it was not exactly a common sight. Then some wise guy decided to mass produce the same lines and before you know it, everyone on the road has the same car stickers with the same annoying slogans. It often makes me want to make my own as a rebuttal to every one else's repetitive slogans. For instance:

"Little Kalifah on board" or other common variations of "Baby on board"
Reply: "I don't give a shit about that inbred retard you have on board"

"Honk if you're horny"
Reply: "I'll f*ck you if I'm horny"

"Not so close! I hardly know you!"
Reply: "Don't give yourself airs, now get out of my way bitch"

"You kiss, you pay!"
Reply: "I'll double the price, now suck my dick"

"Don't steal this car, the other other one is nicer..."
Reply: "I stole the other car and planted a bomb in yours"

So if you see a silver Kelisa come up behind you, do me a favour and remove the offensive piece of shit before I curse you down to seven generations.

Get Me A Dog

I often find myself annoyed at people with indecisiveness about being attracted to me. Is it so hard to just say it instead of circling around me like a demented hyena? Worst still are people who do that but they haven't even met you. I am not going to explain this but in this day, that's how all gay romances seem to start - from the anonymity of the internet. I however being the old fashioned type deem this totally ridiculous though the younger me would have been totally into it. Anyway, such is a typical online conversation derived from one of the "demented circling hyenas":

Anonymous: Hi, what are doing home early?
Me: Why? Cannot meh?
Anonymous: No mah, you usually don't come online at this hour...
Me: I am not staying long, just checking my mail, then I am going to bed.
Anonymous: OK lor... better not disturb you then...
Me: Why? You have anything to say to me?
Anonymous: No wor... do you have anything to say to me?
Me: Nope.
Anonymous: OK lor, then good night la.
Me: OK, good night.

Ten minutes later...

Anonymous: Wei...
Me: Yes? What are you still doing here?
Anonymous: That's the same question I should ask you?

(Christ...)

Anonymous: When are you sleeping?
Me: Soon, in a few more minutes.
Anonymous: OK, then good night la...
Me: Good night.

Another ten minutes later...

Anonymous: Wei...
Me: Yes?
Me: Again?
Anonymous: Lucky you still haven't gone offline hehe.
Anonymous: Can I ask you something?
Me: Ask lor...
Anonymous: Last night I try to come online through my mobile, did you see me ar?
Me: I didn't come online last night.
Anonymous: Sure or not?
Me: Yes, I was watching TV.
Anonymous: So you didn't receive my message?
Me: If I did receive it I would have answered.
Anonymous: Sure or not? I am not VIP to you also.
Me: Yes, very sure.
Anonymous: OK lor, bye lah...
Me: Yes, bye... again. *Goes invisible*

Ten years of gay dating and I have come to these conclusions.

The ones you like will never like you back or will just date you half-heartedly and then dump you like a pair of ill-fitting shoes leaving you a brokenhearted mess. They will also leave you asking (as Vanessa Williams put it) "How could you give your love to someone else and share your dreams with me". They will treat you like their best buddy as they make constant use of you for their own contentment. Either way, you will always be the fool.

The ones whom are mutually attracted to you as you are to them will never confess and instead play a hide and seek game with you. When you eventually give up, they will come back to haunt you after a period of time asking (either you or mutual friends) why didn't you try to go further with them. Either that or they will make it seem like you've wronged them.

The ones that like you are never the types you want. Enough said.

I give up. There will never be any satisfaction or happiness to derive from the so called "other half" when it seems more than often a burdensome extension rather than the missing piece.

Pool Prodigal

After a long absence, I have finally made a return to my favourite sport before gym came along and sucked up most of my evening hours: swimming. It took me much procrastination before I could make myself go again. It must have been at least over a year when I last visited the public pool, which is in Bangsar by the way and not the notorious Kelana Jaya one. Gym was not the primary reason that kept me away though. The last time I was there, a kid learning how to swim threw a tantrum in the pool and then proceeded to copiously puke his lunch at the poolside drain, much to the disgust of his instructor and my horror. The instructor then scolded him about how he is always puking at the pool. My eyes widened at the thought of the kid vomiting frequently at the pool. If you think that was bad, few minutes later he climbed out of the pool and relieved his bladder right at the same spot, without removing his trunks. And then he jumped right back in. The instructor appeared traumatised. I on the other had my last straw, and I couldn't evacuate from the pool fast enough. Either I could really smell the urea and puke or my mind was playing tricks on me. All the kid's unapologetic mother could do was chastise her kid in a way someone would to a cute puppy who made a mess.

"Sanjay! NOOOO! You shouldn't do that!"

OK well I don't think his name was Sanjay. I just used the name to emphasize on how Indian the whole exchange was. Anyway I was too traumatised at the thought of the contaminated pool, so I stayed away in what was initially just suppose to be a few months till the pool was cleansed. I did not relish the thought of visiting the cruisy Kelana Jaya pool or the freezing 3K indoor pool at Subang Jaya, so that brought me to the present - the return of the prodigal.

Now I chose the mid-afternoon hour because I thought that would be the time when fussy mothers would keep their pests hidden indoors in fear of the sun. Turns out I was wrong. What initially turned out to be just a family began to multiply to several menaces of all shapes and sizes. Obese children began jumping into the pool. Some of these obese kids had long trailing langsuir-like hair which threatened to choke the unsuspecting swimmer who swims too close. Some of these obese kids were also fully clothed despite written rules stating one should be in proper swimming attire. Soon after, the flabby uncles came along, followed by the inevitable hirsute Indian who looked like he was wearing a gorilla costume. Annoying children seem to be bumping into me on purpose despite me being stationary between laps and all their equally irritating mothers could do was smile encouragingly. It wasn't long before the whole pool began to resemble the aftermath of a tsunami. One hour and a few laps later, I found myself in gym again.

Oh well, at least I got a nice tan from it.

Soft Places

Fourth Dream

I do not recall much about this one. Perhaps I took too long to record it. The earliest part I could recall from it was that I was catching the coverage of the end of the world on television. The world was strangely calm despite the knowledge that everyone was doomed. Suddenly I was in the scene on TV. I was at some beachfront. There was a huge manor facing it and there were people milling about on the beach. The weather was dreary. I knew it was cold, not because I felt it, but because it was snowing. Large snowflakes were falling from the dark skies. So large, you could see the patterns on them, yet they were falling ever so gently. Somehow I knew I was in England though I have never been there. The people were dressed in Edwardian styled clothing. All seem calm and collected, looking towards the sea. They were anticipating something, but what? Were they waiting for the world to end?

*missing memory*

It was no longer the end of the world anymore. Somehow the situation in the dream had transitioned. But I was still in England with my mom. I went off alone to walk along the streets. None of the buildings look familiar to me. I wanted to go to the beach but the beach was filthy. The water was murky and there were all sorts of debris washed up along the shore. All a sudden I was walking among bookshelves, and the street was no longer a street but it seem to be some kind of huge bookstore. On the shelves were a lot of art related books and magazines but all of them seem to be outdated. I couldn't remember the titles but I think one of them spelled, "How to Draw Couples in Love".

*missing memory*

Fifth Dream

*missing memory*

I was in some kind of meeting. I forgot what it was about but I was bored. I decided to escape to the washroom. I calmly went through the door that clearly said "GENTS" but strangely there were women inside of it. The women stared at me as if I was the intruder. I went back to the door again and it still clearly said, "GENTS". Another woman came through the door and she seem shocked to see me there, and then she became angry.

"What are you doing here?!" she asked angrily.

"This is the gents, I think you're in the wrong place," I answered.

"I don't believe you!" she replied back.

So I took her to the door and showed her the sign. She covered her mouth in embarrassment, and then she quickly left without another word. After a while, a guy came in, he looked pretty ordinary but attractive in a way. He smiled at me and made some small talk which I couldn't remember what. He asked me if I would like to do lunch with him and I agreed. We came out of the washroom and without surprise, it seem to lead right onto a street. It was suppose to be somewhere in KL, but it looked more like Singapore. I followed him as he lead the way. I knew he was interested in me. Halfway following him, I seem to find something wrong with my pants and I had to take them off. RIGHT ON THE STREETS! No one even seem to care or notice that I was standing there with my pants off in ridiculous looking boxers (though I don't wear boxers in real life).

I had to find a place to put my pants on again and I quickly darted into this shop. I couldn't really describe it, just that it looked more like some kind of emporium. So I slipped my pants on again but when I came out I had lost the guy. I didn't know how to find him again because I don't even have his number and he didn't have mine. I remember being only slightly disappointed.

*missing memory*

I was cycling home on a mountain bike. When I came home, my mom told me someone was waiting for me. There was someone lying on my couch reading. When I went around it, I saw it was the same guy I lost on the streets. He smiled, and somehow I thought it was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.

"Hey!"

Somehow he had found my number through the newspaper which he showed me. That was when I realised that the number was not mine, and that I was not even myself. I was someone else.

Cheeky Cheeky

Hitz.fm this morning was apparently clearing old hits from their database. These "old hits" were apparently none other than the audio terrorists of yesteryears. I am talking about songs like The Ketchup Song, The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum) and probably a host of other irritating lala beng "hits" like Macarena, Blue (Da Ba Dee) and God-knows-what-else. Notice how all the titles doesn't even seem to make any sense? The Cheeky Song? Touch My Bum? Why not Squeeze My Boobies while they're at it.

So anyway there I was arriving at the office and I was struggling to find my season parking pass while I opened my car windows. As I slipped the pass into the slot, I'd suddenly noticed to my horror, that Dr Bombay's Calcutta (a.k.a. Taxi, Taxi, Taxi) was playing relatively loudly on my radio. Loud enough for anyone within a 10 meter radius to hear. Nearby was a bank, a cafeteria and a restaurant. Right across the road was a school. I have inadvertently showed the world that I was a lala beng sans the multi-coloured bad hair and Harajuku fashion. Needless to say, I couldn't close the window fast enough to control the damage. And it didn't occur to me to just change the radio station.

Fuck.

Snakes & Ladders

Third Dream

*missing memory*

I was in the gym. It was suppose to be Fitness First but it does not look like any of the Fitness First outlets I am familiar with. Someone who shall not be named was there but I do not look at him. Even in my dreams I have a dislike for him.

*missing memory*

I was walking to the locker and shower room. Like the rest of the gym it does not look familiar. I went to use the showers and it definitely looks unfamiliar. The shower stalls suddenly seem to resemble some kind of kampung house toilet. Yes, TOILET! In fact it seem more like the shower was a squatting toilet with the shower head right above. The toilet was filthy but I used it to shower anyway. Even stranger, the door seem to have some kind of netting where you can look out but people from outside can't look in.

*missing memory*

We had left the gym. I don't know who "we" were but they seem to be my friends. Only one of them was someone I know; Manny, a fellow instructor from the gym. We were going up this house on the hill. I don't know whose house it was or why we were going there. Funny thing in dreams you don't ask questions such as these, you just do what you have to do. The house was just an ordinary house, not big, not small either. In the house's grounds were a lot of snakes, but I didn't know this yet until we reached the gate, and someone yelled and ran. And then I saw it, one of the snakes, it reared its head aggressively and hissed at me. I jumped around to avoid it. That's when I noticed there were dead snakes all around. Some bloodied, some mutilated, some dismembered. I ran clumsily to avoid stepping on the gruesome sight all around me. An intruder had killed the snakes. Suddenly we were all on guard. I picked up a stick and from the hand of one of my companions I grabbed what seem to resemble a part of a broken umbrella. I was wielding it like as if it was some kind of lightsaber.

"I think you would need something stronger than that," Manny said, gesturing at my pathetic looking stick.

"It's ok," I replied quite confidently.

As we progressed cautiously towards the house, someone had swept away all the corpses of the snakes. Two of us finally reached the opened front door, and I went for the nearest room. I threw open the door and swung my "weapon" around offensively and yelled, "FREEZE! DON'T MOVE!". But in the room was just a half-dressed guy and I somehow knew he was a tenant of the house.

"What...?!" he replied, obviously shocked at my intrusion.

I did not answer him and proceeded to check the rest of the house. I knew whoever killed the snakes was gone. Suddenly I was sitting down, with both my parents on either side of me. From the top level of the house, a group of blonde young girls in very girlish dresses came trooping down but there were no stairs, just half-completed metal ladders. When they came to the unfinished rung, they just made a huge leap down and landed neatly on their feet. Though I never seen them in my life, I knew they were daughters of a friend who lived in the house.

My father said, "It would be good to have some young children in the house."

"Not unless they are yours," my mother quipped

"Just try to think about when we were young," I said.

And then I woke up.

In Memoriam

Boris Yeltsin
1931 - 2007

Dream Log

First Dream

In my dream he was going out with my ex. He was someone who completed my life a year ago, and then it ended against my wishes. My EX. Both of them were sitting side by side in this cafeteria place that I have never seen before but can only be conjured up in dreams.

"Yeah, they have been seeing each other," Vince suddenly told me. He just appeared out of nowhere in the way that is only possible in dreams.

Stab to the heart. I remembered trying to move out of sight.

*missing memory*

I was crying, and he was trying to comfort me. I didn't give a shit about the ex. But I was upset about him. He held me and told me not to cry. I think I wanted to tell him how much I still love and miss him but I can't remember if I did. But he didn't need to be told does he?

*missing memory*

I was in this place that resembled one of those ancient South American Mayan/Incan temple complexes. Some crazy priest was holding us prisoner. "Us"? "Us" was a group of people I don't seem to know. The crazy priest had opened a tomb and in it was the richly decorated skeleton of some long dead lord. He poured some flammable stuff into the tomb and said he was going to burn the remains, and when it is gone one of us will have to lie in the tomb. The person he referred to was specific, and it was this blond woman who was with us. Suddenly she was lying on the slab above the tomb, dressed in white. I knew I had to stop him. I picked up a stick and bludgeoned the crazy old man. Although he appeared affected by the blows he didn't seem injured, and then he said he would follow us.

*missing memory*

Second Dream

I was in this theatre. The kind where you do live plays in. I don't remember what we were discussing about but Nicholas Cage was among us. Not just ordinary Nicholas Cage, but an old Nicholas Cage. When we were done talking, I offered to walk Mr Cage to wherever he needed to go. I offered him my arm to hold and he gladly took it.

"I just watched one of your movies recently, Mr Cage," I said casually as he shuffled along.

"Oh really, which one?" he replied.

I found I couldn't remember the name of the movie and I was trying to describe it to him, and he passively suggested a few titles. None of which I remembered.

"The Vampire's Kiss," I suddenly remembered.

He just nodded absently.

When we reached our destination he said, "Next time, go watch something more worthwhile with your friends,".

I guess he didn't really liked that movie either. And "your friends"? I watched that movie alone.

Jack Ass

"You had a hundred billion chances and ways to have avoided today. But you decided to spill my blood. You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option. The decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that will never wash off."

"Your Mercedes wasn't enough, you brats. Your golden necklaces weren't enough, you snobs. Your trust funds wasn't enough. Your vodka and cognac wasn't enough. All your debaucheries weren't enough. Those weren't enough to fulfill your hedonistic needs. You had everything."

Oh yeah, Mr Cho, you certainly made a point there. The point that you will be nothing more than the loser jack ass that you always were. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but the whole shooting incident at Virginia Tech, Blacksburg is absurd. Not that I am insensitive to the people who lost their lives and those who were affected by it. What kind of world have we come to where self righteous nerds go around shooting fellow students just because they couldn't get over their own angst. Seriously, evaluate it yourself, and you will realise the whole incident was stupid and sad to say, those 32 people died a meaningless death. There was no point to prove and there is really nothing to learn from it.

Few million years of evolution and here we are, buffoons who give way to their emotions to kill. So perhaps we are no different from our cousins at the lower end of the gene pool. At least animals kill to survive. This dim wit here killed because he doesn't have what other people have. Oh God, fucking get over yourself. You certainly did the right thing by killing yourself after your stupid deed. You're a waste of resources. The only tragedy is those other people have to die with you.

"Oooo... Lookit me, I am gonna blow my brains out because I can't be hedonistic like you!"

*Update

Colleague: Hey look, they have pictures of the Virginia Tech shooter online (colleague is rather slow with international news).
Me: It's been on since yesterday.
Colleague: Shit. (apparently shocked at the pictures)
Me: I think he looks like an idiot.
Colleague: Yeah man...

Enough said.

Awwwww...

Now normally I am not a fan of animal movies. Why? Because they all tend to be stereotypical and tend to have scenes designed specifically to not only pull at your heartstrings but to forcefully yank at them till you are reduced to a wide eyed chibi going "Awwwwww...". But due to unforeseen circumstances, my intended purchase Perfume: The Story of a Murderer turned out to be a horribly censored copy with skips, so I ended up exchanging it for Charlotte's Web.

"What a huge difference!" said Sean.

Yes, from a pseudo-art movie about an insane body-odour obsessed killer to a good old-fashioned family movie designed specifically to make you go "Awwwww...". From the moment I set eyes on the DVD cover, I knew I was trapped.

Awwwwww...

Even the normally annoying Dakota Fanning who makes you want to bash her squealing character in War of the Worlds looks so sweet she makes you go.... yes you guessed it:

Awwwwww...

And who would have thought a villainous husband stealer like Julia Roberts who was so convincingly bitchy in Erin Brokovich could give life to the selfless spider Charlotte with her voice?

Awwwwww...

And all of the rest of the farm animals, voiced by such a star-studded cast which includes, Oprah Winfrey, Kathy Bates, Reba McEntire, Robert Redford, Steve Buscemi and John Cleese, they were simply adorable.

Awwwwww...

As expected, the ending just simply makes your heart bleed at the sheer goodness of the whole movie. Down to the closing credits with the theme "Ordinary Miracle" by my favourite artist Sarah McLachlan totally makes me go...

Play-Doh of God

"BASEL, Switzerland (Reuters) - Steel and coal from the Titanic have been transformed into a new line of luxury wristwatches that claim to capture the essence of the legendary oceanliner which sank in 1912."

Are crocodiles scary? Maybe. Are tigers dangerous? Perhaps. Are sharks really bloodthirsty killers? Could be (although scientists say otherwise). But I think God made a mistake when he created humans. Or maybe He is just a Great Child who fashioned us out of cosmic Play-Doh and then like all children tend to be with a new toy, lost interest in us after a while. Over time, His creations ran amok on evolution, and one day decided to make watches out of the remains of a tragedy. No doubt if this happened in 1917, people of that era would have viewed it in bad taste. It would be like making toilet bowls out of ground up rubble of the World Trade Centre. 95 years from now this might just come true, and people of the future would worship the long deceased author of this blog as the new Nostradmus. But it would feel luxurious wouldn't it, crapping on the recycled rubble of America's "Greatest Tragedy" which probably contains miniscule remnants of its victims.

Speaking of human remains, anyone read about the company which could turn human cremains (that's the word for the remains of a cremated body) into a diamond? Yes folks, what they do is take your late grandmother's ashes and subject her carbon to intense pressure to artificially create a diamond. I can imagine the conversation now:

Dream guy: Hey, I have been watching you all night and I think you're hot.
Me: Oh gosh... hehe...
Dream guy: My name is [insert hot name] by the way, and I am wearing my grandmother around my finger.
Me: Uh... *stares at diamond ring in disbelief*

Or worse:

Dream guy: Darling, we have been together for some time...
Me: Yes?
Dream guy: Would you marry me? *on bended knee presenting diamond ring*
Me: OH GOD! YES YES YES!!! Oh baby, it's beautiful!
Dream guy: *Puts ring on my finger* I'm so glad you like it! It's made out of my grandmother by the way. Grandma, you look over my baby now.
Me: ...

It's like meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful pressurized grandmother.

Humans... joy.

Curse You Fetish Thieves

I seem to have lost my pants somewhere in the gym. It's the second time this have happened. And these are one of my favourite Nike 3/4 tights which cost me RM100+ which I bought after much consideration about over a year ago. Not that someone pinned me down and removed my pants forcefully of course, but apparently I seem to have left them in the shower last week but did not notice the loss until I put away my laundry yesterday night. A call to the gym reception revealed there were no pants of that description in the lost and found. Which can only mean some dishonest sodding thief conveniently claimed it for his own. It makes me wonder what disturbed person would take someone else's intimate belongings, sweat-soaked ones at that. I do believe my underwear was still in them. It's like stealing someone's used tampon and using it...

I mean I can understand if someone was to just take your mp3 player or handphone but soiled pants, shoes, or any article of clothing is just plain disgusting. So whoever took my pants, if you even venture to put it on, washed or otherwise, I curse your dick with an incurable rot which will spread slowly and soon engulf your entire genitalia causing it to fall off in tiny chunks. And that won't be the end, the rot will then spread slowly through your body inside out, causing your insides to decompose. Eventually your body will bloat up but you won't die yet you fetish thief, till your belly explodes in a hail of stinking liquified offal.

Gorillas in the Mass

Disclaimer: The entry below may contain contents offensive to certain readers. Read at your own discretion

Nickkiest: Let's go to church?
Me: Huh? What? Why all a sudden?
Nickkiest: Dunno? Just feel like going. Come la!
Me: Me? Go to church? Me? The heathen pagan sodomite?

That was exactly my reaction to Nickkiest's suggestion to go for Easter Mass. Don't be misled into thinking that I am one of those guys that used to be a good Catholic boy until the day I was corrupted by homosexual debaucheries. The fact is I was never an avid church goer because I was never a Christian in the first place - hence the heathen pagan part. Though I am not exactly a stranger in church, I never had pleasant memories of my visits. The last time I sat through a Sunday service, I left feeling disgusted at the priest's bigoted and narrow minded preaching. As much as I understood the Catholic Church's stand on homosexual relations, I was kind of flabbergasted when the priest mentioned "mixed marriages are bad". Though I might have misunderstood what he meant by that, it is that kind of clumsy statement that puts people off and throws the whole of Christianity into bad light. I have great respect for Christianity, just like any other religion, just not most of its hopelessly outdated human made ideologies.

Such was the case when Nickkiest led me into an Easter Sunday service last Saturday. The fact that I was not a Christian made me itch. Now I know exactly what the phrase "stood out like a sore thumb" meant. Not that the swarm of Catholics noticed a heathen in their midst, even if he was wearing a pagan symbol around his neck (I have a penchant for ankhs). I was also dealing with the reality that I was cooking underneath my denim jacket on a balmy Saturday evening among the throngs of Easter devotees. Not that I had a choice, because I didn't find it particularly respectful to be exposing too much flesh in a holy place since I was wearing a sleeveless underneath. It kind of left me cursing when I caught sight of a rather pasty flabby lala boy wearing a black tank top. Why me, the heathen even bothered with his dressing I had no idea.

Barely 15 minutes into the service, I was starting to get bored. Forgive me, but even though I am not a Christian I had hoped at least the service would have been inspiring. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. I will spare the details lest I offend my Christian friends. Let's just say I didn't get the divine revelations or cultural sights that I've hoped for. 40 minutes into it, Nickkiest began to have his doubts and regrets about coming. Our whispered criticisms didn't go unnoticed by an elderly woman in front of us who gave me a dirty look. Not that she heard what we said of course but she probably found our conversation unacceptable while the priest was talking. Like she even paid any attention - I could have sworn she dozed off a few times through the readings. Very soon we were devolved into speaking to each other via typed texts on our mobiles. I know, it was very rude behaviour, but we just couldn't help ourselves. Anything would have been less dangerous than nodding off.

Finally we just couldn't stand it anymore, so we left before the service was done - half guilt ridden for our unbecoming behaviour and half glad that we took flight. I had partially hoped that maybe a sudden bolt of lightning would strike me down for my sins of blasphemy. Even that might have been a divine revelation, albeit a painful and deadly one. I had always wanted to see what a Christmas mass is like but last Saturday's experience have kind of left me feeling doubtful of the idea. Lord save us.