Thursday, January 29, 2009

Starbucks English Muffin

Starbucks English Muffin, oh I love! Want! Want! Want! None of their rubbish coffee but oh, the English muffin! Oral orgasm! How can something this simple taste so heavenly? A piece of chicken ham and a piece of poached egg with a slice of cheese, garnished with a light sprinkling of pepper, all sandwiched between a lovely muffin and toasted lightly. One bite and I can hear James Morrison's You Make It Real, Madonna's Like A Virgin... touched for the very first time. I am suppose to be on a post holiday diet. But the muffin... it called my name... oh you naughty muffin! Now I am going to have to eat you...

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Dirty Sex

This post is relevant to the previous post and contains graphic depiction of what is technically necrophilia. Do not read further beyond this point if that notion offends you, but I know you are going to read anyway, so shut up and just enjoy.

Now imagine this, young girl in the cemetery in the middle of the night, mourning the supposed death of her vampire lover. She drops flowers at his grave and then turns to leave. Suddenly a cold dirty hand bursts out from the ground and grabs her leg. Girl screams and falls. Hand grabs tighter, girl screams louder and struggles. Horrible naked corpse like figure emerges from the cemetery ground and envelopes itself around girl. Girl agonizes her doom.

"Sookehhhhh..." horrible naked corpse like figure drawls, "Sookehhhhhh... it's meee..."

Girl stops screaming, takes a look at horrible naked corpse like figure, who turns out to be supposed deceased lover - who technically is already deceased since he is an undead. Undead lover appears to be not so dead after all. In a moment of mixed relief and pent-up frustration, girl reaches out to dirt-encrusted undead lover and kisses him. Did I mention dirt-encrusted? Moment of relief turns to passion, and then to wild animalistic lust. Naked, dirty, undead lover pops fangs and proceeds to roughly thrust his filthy dirt-encrusted penis into girl. Did I mention dirt-encrusted? Undead lover proceeds to strip girl while roughly copulating with girl with his dirty penis, in the CEMETERY. After a while, undead lover sinks fangs into willing girl after she says, "Not the neck...".

Talk about dirty sex. Aye carumba!

Monday, January 05, 2009

Bloody Good

Yesterday while exploring one of the new highway clogging malls along LDP, Tropicana Mall, I found this series in a DVD pirate joint. I have read about it before, from the creator of one of my favourite TV series, Six Feet Under, Alan Ball. A series about vampires set two years after "coming out of the coffin" due to the invention of artificial blood. With no need to feed on humans anymore, vampires now live in the open. The premise, unfortunately resembles the recent stupid vampire movie, Twilight which had fan girls frothing and orgasming at the same time, a romance between a human and a vampire. The only difference is, under the creative direction of Alan Ball, True Blood becomes a masterful piece of storytelling, if you don't mind the often distracting graphic sex scenes and nudity. Hell, even the title sequence is crammed with 18SX rated visuals, so I think you wouldn't be seeing this on local TV anytime soon. But you can take some pointers from here Miss Meyer, that you don't need an over-the-top good looking vampire from your wet dreams to a hold a story. Seriously, sparkling vampires?

I digress, the series is based on the Sookie Stackhouse book series by Charlaine Harris. That's right, the protagonist has the kooky name Sookie Stackhouse (played by Academy Award winner Anna Paquin), who happens to be a telepath. Due to her abilities she finds herself unable to have a normal relationship, which brings her close to a vampire named Bill Compton who walks into the bar where she works as a waitress one night. Bill who is undead has no brainwaves, which makes his thoughts silent to Sookie - a match made in Heaven. Though the awkward romance between the two takes centerstage in the series, what makes it move are the colourful supporting characters set in the fictional redneck Louisiana town, Bon Temps. Sookie's boss, Sam Merlotte, who also happens to harbour romantic feelings for her is a closet shape-shifter, her best friend, Tara Thornton is believed to be contaminated by demons, and her brother, Jason is a horny womanizer and spent most of the first few episodes with his clothes off in often graphically simulated sex scenes. I have only watched four episodes and I am already loving it. Unfortunately it is still in its first season. Oh well, there is always House MD and Grey's Anatomy to distract me in the wait.