Friday, June 15, 2007

Nobody Sleeps

And so I am back after almost a month on hiatus, not that I was really truly away anyway since I actually log on everyday, just that I never bothered to post anything. I really should be working but I am not and for what is worth, I don't really care. I hardly have time for myself nowadays. My house is in a bloody mess, and for some probably loneliness driven reason, I got myself involved with someone. Don't think I want to discuss this as of yet as I have no real vision of where this is headed but for once, maybe I am with somebody who likes me more than I like him. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing, we shall see as time goes by. I don't know if I am feeling happy or not, but ever since falling out of a messy love affair over a year ago, I set my life on a fast pace and found it very hard to slow down since. Finding time to cultivate a relationship at the moment makes it feel like I drove right into traffic jam.

There are differences to work out which I have yet to overcome. Things which have I picked up along the way to keep me going which I am still reluctant to sacrifice to sustain a second person in my life. The ghosts of previously failed loves return to haunt me periodically though I might say they are more of an annoyance than a source of fear. I think I have become so jaded that the fear of falling out again seem trivial. However I have not found the generosity in me to forgive exes and former lovers. It feels remarkable to me sometimes how one can love and hate someone at the same time. Perhaps those two are the one and the same after all. Love is hate, hate is love. Without one, there is no other.

Of recent as well, I found myself mentioned in passing from someone's blog. A mention from a time when I spent hours on mIRC while I was in university because back in those days, internet was the only entertainment you could find. My university is located in what today I still term as Nuclear Holocaust. Nothing but barren red earth for miles. Buildings so sterile that algae wouldn't even grow on the walls. There are roads that abruptly end mid-air (I am not kidding). In any case, the location mattered little, it's a more decadent past I would rather put behind. I think my IRC nickname is still notorious till today, my dry humour and sarcasm in chatrooms coupled with a good command of English was often taken as a sign of arrogance by most. Then again it was an image I often encouraged. Still, it was pretty unnerving to see my nickname mentioned again after all these years since I retired mIRC. Even the chatroom in which I promoted my notoriety is no longer in existence. I often found it amusing that people often tried to put a face to that personality I cultivated online. More often than not, those who do eventually see the real me still maintain that impression from cyberspace. Cold, bitchy, arrogant, aloof.

Some things never change even if you do.


Magus_Young said...

I empathize with you, slowing down for another person in life, old ghosts from past failed relationships.... o where do we even begin on the rantings.... and O about finding the one, a confidante of mine sezs you whud probably have to kiss a hundred frogs before even getting close to the frog prince. you mite even need to go for another next 100...:p

Pleasant Weekend,

The Searcher said...

it always takes TWO to tango... have fun!