Sunday, May 20, 2007

Madonna is Evil

I have seen this video since some time back, but it only occurred to me recently how prophetic it might be. In any case, take a look at it first then you will know what I am talking about. Of course everyone remembered that infamous lesbian smooch between Madonna and Britney Spears. At that point of time, Madonna had just release her last single, "Hollywood" from her dismal album American Life. You would think her "Madgesty" had probably seen better days. Britney of course had yet to make her idiotic gaffs that had probably made immediate rival, Christina Aguilera, smirked with satisfaction.

Remarkably enough, not long after that Madonna made a spectacular comeback with Confessions On The Dancefloor while Britney's once glittering career was in ruins, spent on marrying obvious losers and making babies and also making a total ass out of herself. I also happened to read about an interview with Madonna on the gay magazine "Out" yesterday in where she tells her daughter Lourdes that the infamous liplock was some kind of "energy exchange" of sorts. Christ, everyone knows she's bitchy, but now she is just plain evil.

I almost feel sorry for Britney.


Monday, May 14, 2007

Blow Hot, Blow Cold

No you perverts, it's not a new form of oral stimulation. I am talking about the weather these past few weeks. During the day it's so hot that you can make a stew at the sidewalk. On second thought, better not, because you're likely to burn a hole in your pot. Then on occasions during the night, it begins to rain cats and dogs and a cow or two although the past few days we're seeing less of those.

Take last weekend for example, not only was it hot but I also had the pleasure of my mom's company yet again in less than a week since her last visit. So to top it off we had errands to run around town. The city was literally baking, even keeping to the shade was no respite. I think the worst part was sending her off at the Puduraya bus station. I think I sweat so much it made my sweating in RPM look like a light misting and believe me, I sweat A LOT. The bus station felt like a furnace and the jostling people and haggling conductors only further aggravated my stretched limit. But of course, due to the fact that it was my mother I had to play gallant and accompany her for an hour plus before her bus arrived, even when she told I can leave. When she finally got onto the bus, I think I almost ran to the refuge of my car air conditioner. I think I would have ran too if I didn't think it would make me even more hotter. When I finally got back after the long drive home (of which the car air conditioner did little to alleviate my condition), I thought I would never be that fast and happy to get out of my clothes - sexual situations exempted.

Late into the night however, a freaky storm started to rage around my area. All a sudden without a warning, winds started whipping the trees outside like as if they were going to get uprooted. For a second, I almost thought it would. Can't say much about the rain though. I think I have pee that comes out stronger than the trickle I saw last night.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Slogan This

Did anyone notice the recent increase of cars with slogan stickers at the rear windscreen? You know, the kind usually with some witty words designed to either amuse or annoy the driver behind you. For me unfortunately, I fall in the category of the latter. At first it seem amusing because it was not exactly a common sight. Then some wise guy decided to mass produce the same lines and before you know it, everyone on the road has the same car stickers with the same annoying slogans. It often makes me want to make my own as a rebuttal to every one else's repetitive slogans. For instance:

"Little Kalifah on board" or other common variations of "Baby on board"
Reply: "I don't give a shit about that inbred retard you have on board"

"Honk if you're horny"
Reply: "I'll f*ck you if I'm horny"

"Not so close! I hardly know you!"
Reply: "Don't give yourself airs, now get out of my way bitch"

"You kiss, you pay!"
Reply: "I'll double the price, now suck my dick"

"Don't steal this car, the other other one is nicer..."
Reply: "I stole the other car and planted a bomb in yours"

So if you see a silver Kelisa come up behind you, do me a favour and remove the offensive piece of shit before I curse you down to seven generations.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Get Me A Dog

I often find myself annoyed at people with indecisiveness about being attracted to me. Is it so hard to just say it instead of circling around me like a demented hyena? Worst still are people who do that but they haven't even met you. I am not going to explain this but in this day, that's how all gay romances seem to start - from the anonymity of the internet. I however being the old fashioned type deem this totally ridiculous though the younger me would have been totally into it. Anyway, such is a typical online conversation derived from one of the "demented circling hyenas":

Anonymous: Hi, what are doing home early?
Me: Why? Cannot meh?
Anonymous: No mah, you usually don't come online at this hour...
Me: I am not staying long, just checking my mail, then I am going to bed.
Anonymous: OK lor... better not disturb you then...
Me: Why? You have anything to say to me?
Anonymous: No wor... do you have anything to say to me?
Me: Nope.
Anonymous: OK lor, then good night la.
Me: OK, good night.

Ten minutes later...

Anonymous: Wei...
Me: Yes? What are you still doing here?
Anonymous: That's the same question I should ask you?


Anonymous: When are you sleeping?
Me: Soon, in a few more minutes.
Anonymous: OK, then good night la...
Me: Good night.

Another ten minutes later...

Anonymous: Wei...
Me: Yes?
Me: Again?
Anonymous: Lucky you still haven't gone offline hehe.
Anonymous: Can I ask you something?
Me: Ask lor...
Anonymous: Last night I try to come online through my mobile, did you see me ar?
Me: I didn't come online last night.
Anonymous: Sure or not?
Me: Yes, I was watching TV.
Anonymous: So you didn't receive my message?
Me: If I did receive it I would have answered.
Anonymous: Sure or not? I am not VIP to you also.
Me: Yes, very sure.
Anonymous: OK lor, bye lah...
Me: Yes, bye... again. *Goes invisible*

Ten years of gay dating and I have come to these conclusions.

The ones you like will never like you back or will just date you half-heartedly and then dump you like a pair of ill-fitting shoes leaving you a brokenhearted mess. They will also leave you asking (as Vanessa Williams put it) "How could you give your love to someone else and share your dreams with me". They will treat you like their best buddy as they make constant use of you for their own contentment. Either way, you will always be the fool.

The ones whom are mutually attracted to you as you are to them will never confess and instead play a hide and seek game with you. When you eventually give up, they will come back to haunt you after a period of time asking (either you or mutual friends) why didn't you try to go further with them. Either that or they will make it seem like you've wronged them.

The ones that like you are never the types you want. Enough said.

I give up. There will never be any satisfaction or happiness to derive from the so called "other half" when it seems more than often a burdensome extension rather than the missing piece.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Pool Prodigal

After a long absence, I have finally made a return to my favourite sport before gym came along and sucked up most of my evening hours: swimming. It took me much procrastination before I could make myself go again. It must have been at least over a year when I last visited the public pool, which is in Bangsar by the way and not the notorious Kelana Jaya one. Gym was not the primary reason that kept me away though. The last time I was there, a kid learning how to swim threw a tantrum in the pool and then proceeded to copiously puke his lunch at the poolside drain, much to the disgust of his instructor and my horror. The instructor then scolded him about how he is always puking at the pool. My eyes widened at the thought of the kid vomiting frequently at the pool. If you think that was bad, few minutes later he climbed out of the pool and relieved his bladder right at the same spot, without removing his trunks. And then he jumped right back in. The instructor appeared traumatised. I on the other had my last straw, and I couldn't evacuate from the pool fast enough. Either I could really smell the urea and puke or my mind was playing tricks on me. All the kid's unapologetic mother could do was chastise her kid in a way someone would to a cute puppy who made a mess.

"Sanjay! NOOOO! You shouldn't do that!"

OK well I don't think his name was Sanjay. I just used the name to emphasize on how Indian the whole exchange was. Anyway I was too traumatised at the thought of the contaminated pool, so I stayed away in what was initially just suppose to be a few months till the pool was cleansed. I did not relish the thought of visiting the cruisy Kelana Jaya pool or the freezing 3K indoor pool at Subang Jaya, so that brought me to the present - the return of the prodigal.

Now I chose the mid-afternoon hour because I thought that would be the time when fussy mothers would keep their pests hidden indoors in fear of the sun. Turns out I was wrong. What initially turned out to be just a family began to multiply to several menaces of all shapes and sizes. Obese children began jumping into the pool. Some of these obese kids had long trailing langsuir-like hair which threatened to choke the unsuspecting swimmer who swims too close. Some of these obese kids were also fully clothed despite written rules stating one should be in proper swimming attire. Soon after, the flabby uncles came along, followed by the inevitable hirsute Indian who looked like he was wearing a gorilla costume. Annoying children seem to be bumping into me on purpose despite me being stationary between laps and all their equally irritating mothers could do was smile encouragingly. It wasn't long before the whole pool began to resemble the aftermath of a tsunami. One hour and a few laps later, I found myself in gym again.

Oh well, at least I got a nice tan from it.