Me

Most days I feel like I am constantly abusing or punishing myself for something. The only problem is I don't know what that something is.

Maybe it is for the one night stands which I thought will make me feel better but only made me feel worse.

Maybe it is for the times I could have made a difference in someone's life but I didn't.

Maybe it is just for the reason that I am never satisfied with myself.

Maybe it is just because I plain hate myself and I am constantly at war with my soul.

It is on days of such that I do impulsive things so that I don't have to look like myself. So if anyone is wondering about the dyed hair, there's your answer. Last Sunday after torturing myself in the gym, I decided I just decided I did not like the person in the mirror so I got a haircut and changed my hair colour. I don't feel like I am living for myself, like I am some perverted caricature person that my peers, family and society expect me to be.

And so I go on day after day denying myself the enjoyment of life. Little things I could always do to make myself feel better, like go on a holiday. But I keep telling myself I cannot afford it even though I know very well I could. It would set finances back for a few months but do I really need to be so thrifty? And there are the occasions that I keep feeding myself junk simply because I feel stressed and depressed only to regret it later on. All it takes is someone telling me that I have put on weight and I will feel like I have put on a 100lbs. Rejection makes me feel like I am unwanted and ugly. Acceptance fills me with dread and phobia.

Right now I just don't feel like doing anything. I know I am not happy but I don't know what can cheer me up. I just feel like going home, strip off everything and hide under the covers, sleep and never wake up.