I can tell myself a million times that everything will be alright but how does one believe in his own lies? I am not alright. I am not free. I am in a prison that I can never be released from and I am slowly dying. I can't deal with this alone but there is nobody I can turn to. Time... time is no longer my friend.
God? Are you still there? Why can't I feel you anymore?
Monday, December 06, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I opened my eyes and I was before Him - the Supreme Being, the One who was said to have one voice but many faces. The All Creator for whom millions have lived and died for out of sheer faith alone. I was finally before Him. The light emanating from Him was blinding but yet it did not hurt, while a host of heavenly beings suspended around Him, all seeming as if they were an extension of his being. It was like as if all the warmth of the world had become tangible and you know you will never want to be away from this ever again.
I was not the only mortal before Him. Standing in a line to my left were four others, a leader of men, a woman who had dedicated her virginity and life to religion, a pauper whose life had known all the sufferings of the world and a child, with innocence unblemished.
The Great being spoke, or seemingly spoke for his mouth did no move, "You are gathered before me for the day of judgment has come. You are chosen among humanity to judge your peers. The fate of all humanity now rests in your answers to my question. Bear in mind that your verdict must be unanimous. Should one of you oppose, then I shall deem all humanity flawed and unworthy of existence. Thus, here is my question: Does humankind deserve salvation?"
The great leader of men spoke first for it came natural to him to take charge, his answer delivered with such eloquence which made you believe that he was born to present these words, "My Lord, my answer is yes. For all the failures and wars that humanity has waged over the years, I have seen men capable of great deeds worthy of great promise."
The devoted woman spoke next, her voice trembling from the devotion and worship to the one thing that was the sole purpose of her life, "Oh Great Holy Father, my answer is yes - for I refuse to believe that we, your children are flawed when it is you who created us and gave us life."
The pauper, the one who knew nothing but hardship all his existence spoke at his turn, "I have known nothing but the ills and pain of life, but yet I have seen also seen the kindness of some people move mountains. I mean... surely that means something? My answer is yes... definitely yes..."
Then came the child's turn to speak, her voice timid before the vision in front of her, "Yes... I think I would like a chance to grow up, to live my dreams and have my own children some day so I could teach them all the things I have learned..."
And finally it was my turn - the commoner who probably represented every faceless men and women who had ever existed or yet to come. All faces turn to look at me. My peers all smiled with expectant looks on their faces. I couldn't help but smiled back. Then I turned to the Being whom I had half-believed throughout my entire life and I smiled at Him.
"No."
I was not the only mortal before Him. Standing in a line to my left were four others, a leader of men, a woman who had dedicated her virginity and life to religion, a pauper whose life had known all the sufferings of the world and a child, with innocence unblemished.
The Great being spoke, or seemingly spoke for his mouth did no move, "You are gathered before me for the day of judgment has come. You are chosen among humanity to judge your peers. The fate of all humanity now rests in your answers to my question. Bear in mind that your verdict must be unanimous. Should one of you oppose, then I shall deem all humanity flawed and unworthy of existence. Thus, here is my question: Does humankind deserve salvation?"
The great leader of men spoke first for it came natural to him to take charge, his answer delivered with such eloquence which made you believe that he was born to present these words, "My Lord, my answer is yes. For all the failures and wars that humanity has waged over the years, I have seen men capable of great deeds worthy of great promise."
The devoted woman spoke next, her voice trembling from the devotion and worship to the one thing that was the sole purpose of her life, "Oh Great Holy Father, my answer is yes - for I refuse to believe that we, your children are flawed when it is you who created us and gave us life."
The pauper, the one who knew nothing but hardship all his existence spoke at his turn, "I have known nothing but the ills and pain of life, but yet I have seen also seen the kindness of some people move mountains. I mean... surely that means something? My answer is yes... definitely yes..."
Then came the child's turn to speak, her voice timid before the vision in front of her, "Yes... I think I would like a chance to grow up, to live my dreams and have my own children some day so I could teach them all the things I have learned..."
And finally it was my turn - the commoner who probably represented every faceless men and women who had ever existed or yet to come. All faces turn to look at me. My peers all smiled with expectant looks on their faces. I couldn't help but smiled back. Then I turned to the Being whom I had half-believed throughout my entire life and I smiled at Him.
"No."
Sunday, August 01, 2010
The Moment
Today I cried. I cried for a moment lost in time. It was a moment where I felt love, peace and hope for the future. The three things which rarely comes in my life and now forever denied to me.
If I could choose a moment to live for an eternity, it would have been that moment. The sun on my skin, the sand at my feet, the soothing music in my ears while we drank beer by the sea.
That precious moment. Forever lost.
Now as my days grow darker, the memory of that moment in time will both warm me and haunt me. Will I have that moment again at the end of this painful journey?
Café del Mar, Sentosa Island, Singapore - 19 July 2009
If I could choose a moment to live for an eternity, it would have been that moment. The sun on my skin, the sand at my feet, the soothing music in my ears while we drank beer by the sea.
That precious moment. Forever lost.
Now as my days grow darker, the memory of that moment in time will both warm me and haunt me. Will I have that moment again at the end of this painful journey?
Café del Mar, Sentosa Island, Singapore - 19 July 2009
Monday, June 28, 2010
Storm
We were all beings who represented as aspect of existence. Our very being governs the weave of reality itself. Each of us has a counterpart, who were the opposite of the other. And that was the way it was. But for the billions of years since our existence we have become unchanging and that itself is becoming a danger. The eldest summons a conclave in the Glass Tower that lies above all reality and we come. In our high pinnacle, we oversee all.
So it was decided to change the balance, one of us must be sacrificed and sent into Reality to become mortal. To do so however will damage the fabric of existence. The eldest decided that the least significant of us will have to cross the barrier of the Halfway Realm to Reality. Functionless was the chosen one to fulfill the task. But she was fearful of the decision and refuses to comply for none of our kind has taken the journey across the Halfway Realm. To allay her fears, I volunteered to accompany her.
So we crossed the doorway, from the realm beyond existence into the Halfway Realm, which was a narrow claustrophobic corridor that connects both worlds. Once she has crossed into Reality, I must remain behind in the Halfway Realm and watch over her from behind the transparent doorway of which mortals cannot see but those of our kind are aware. I cannot cross the barrier for to do so will destroy space and time. So there I remained for 28 days while Functionless became mortal, all the while being able to see me waiting behind the doorway that no mortals can discern. Once she was fully mortal, she comes back to the doorway and begs me to stay with her. She begs and pleads, and finally she forcefully pulls me into Reality.
Immediately upon setting foot into Reality I became aware of its unraveling. The lack of my aspect in the weave has upset the balance. And to my horror, there beyond the horizon of the city, a terrible storm emerged like apocalyptic beast swallowing all in its path. Red lightning flashed in its all engulfing dark clouds. The very air crackled and smelled of electricity. Buildings crumbled before the lashing lightning and vanished in the darkness.
Pushing her away I dashed back into the Halfway Realm and stumbled back into the Glass Tower, just moments away before the Reality Storm engulfs the tower. My peers stare in horror at the vanishing horizon. With all my strength I reasserted myself back into the weave of Reality, bearing the brunt of the storm. The dark clouds recoiled almost immediately, as if struck by an invisible force. But not before several bolts of red hot lightning seared the tower, shaking it to the very foundations. The air was charged. And almost immediately, the storm disappears, thunder rumbling in its wake. My peers mumbled in silent wonder and terror of the vanishing storm as I felt the breath sucked out of me and I collapsed on my knees...
- excerpt
So it was decided to change the balance, one of us must be sacrificed and sent into Reality to become mortal. To do so however will damage the fabric of existence. The eldest decided that the least significant of us will have to cross the barrier of the Halfway Realm to Reality. Functionless was the chosen one to fulfill the task. But she was fearful of the decision and refuses to comply for none of our kind has taken the journey across the Halfway Realm. To allay her fears, I volunteered to accompany her.
So we crossed the doorway, from the realm beyond existence into the Halfway Realm, which was a narrow claustrophobic corridor that connects both worlds. Once she has crossed into Reality, I must remain behind in the Halfway Realm and watch over her from behind the transparent doorway of which mortals cannot see but those of our kind are aware. I cannot cross the barrier for to do so will destroy space and time. So there I remained for 28 days while Functionless became mortal, all the while being able to see me waiting behind the doorway that no mortals can discern. Once she was fully mortal, she comes back to the doorway and begs me to stay with her. She begs and pleads, and finally she forcefully pulls me into Reality.
Immediately upon setting foot into Reality I became aware of its unraveling. The lack of my aspect in the weave has upset the balance. And to my horror, there beyond the horizon of the city, a terrible storm emerged like apocalyptic beast swallowing all in its path. Red lightning flashed in its all engulfing dark clouds. The very air crackled and smelled of electricity. Buildings crumbled before the lashing lightning and vanished in the darkness.
Pushing her away I dashed back into the Halfway Realm and stumbled back into the Glass Tower, just moments away before the Reality Storm engulfs the tower. My peers stare in horror at the vanishing horizon. With all my strength I reasserted myself back into the weave of Reality, bearing the brunt of the storm. The dark clouds recoiled almost immediately, as if struck by an invisible force. But not before several bolts of red hot lightning seared the tower, shaking it to the very foundations. The air was charged. And almost immediately, the storm disappears, thunder rumbling in its wake. My peers mumbled in silent wonder and terror of the vanishing storm as I felt the breath sucked out of me and I collapsed on my knees...
- excerpt
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