In Memoriam

Venerable Dr K. Sri Dhammananda Nayaka Maha Thera
1919 - 2006

Like A Knife Through The Heart

I remembered when I was in primary school, we used to have this class they called "Tulisan", meaning "Writing" so I guess you can call it Writing Class. Basically how it is conducted is you have to copy some text from somewhere (as you can see, we are trained to be plagiarists and pirates from young) on this specially printed exercise book which has space allocated for illustrations. Usually the teacher wouldn't mind if we cut out some pictures from somewhere and paste it there. But me, being the budding fag that I was would take great pains to hand draw the illustrations. Trust me, I was one of the best... then.

Anyway, we had an assignment one day to copy the legend of Mahsuri for that particular class. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the legend of Mahsuri, unless you're not Malaysian, you should put a gun to your head. Make sure it's not Malaysian lead because it's too good for you. ANYWAY... just for the benefit of those who genuinely knows not of this virtuous woman of Langkawi Island, Mahsuri was supposedly a beautiful maiden who was wrongfully accused of adultery during her husband's absence in war. For her supposed crime, she was sentenced to death. When they stabbed her, the blood that flowed out was supposedly white, proving her purity and innocence. In a separate version of the legend had her pregnant and craving for jackfruit that was meant for the village headman. The headman not believing her condemned her to death on trumped up charges. Another story had it that he was actually her father-in-law and that he was lusting after her. So, if you take bits and pieces of the both stories and put them together, it could have been possible they stabbed her on the boobs and she was lactating...

ANYWAY... before she died she cursed Langkawi Island with seven generations of misfortune, a curse which apparently either died out or was broken by former prime minister Tunku Abdul Rahman when he opened up Langkawi. This brings us back to Writing Class, so for the illustration part, I don't know what got into me. Of so many scenes I could have chose from the legend, I decided on the execution scene. The exact moment, when the executioner (for some reason I drew this as the headman) plunge the keris into her breast and white blood explodes out in all its gore and morbidity. Every other kid were drawing their version of how pretty Mahsuri was though I wondered how pretty can stick ladies be. Now when I think back on it, I am kind of horrified at what I drew. I wonder now what the teacher would have thought of my masterpiece. Whatever it was that went through her head, I still got an 'A' for my efforts, gore or no gore. Wish I still kept that exercise book, would be interesting to have a shrink psycho-analyse that work of art.

'Mahsuri' dying as tourists cheer on

Gross Factor

Before I continue any further let's take a look at the picture below shall we? Be warned ahead that it is not for the faint hearted or anybody with a delicate stomach, but if you're already in this page then you would already have unavoidably seen it so I pretty much don't really care anyway. So let's proceed shall we?



Was that a squeal I heard? Did you make a mess on your keyboard? Did you spontaneously lose control of your bowels or bladders? Perhaps you are still looking at the picture with morbid fascination. No, this is not yet another internet myth about someone who developed a pustule on his/her feet which later became painful and infected only to be carved up by doctors to reveal a nest of squirming insect larvae reminiscent of some sci-fi horror movie. These little horrors (maggots actually) were intentionally put into a diabetic foot wound to aid in the healing process, which by the way did not heal despite heavy usage of antibiotics. Actually make it plural, the owner of this heel, Pam Mitchell is her name, had 600 live maggots put into her left foot and 400 in her right for two days in a last ditch attempt to save her feet. It worked. The nasty looking critters normally associated with decay and corruption ate away the infected flesh and Pam's feet were soon on the way to recovery.

Gross.

The method is apparently an old one, which was put out of fashion in the advent of modern medicine. To me maggots tend to evoke some rather foul memories. My long since deceased dog was once lost for three days before my brother eventually located her and she had several maggots tunneling in her nasal cavity which took my brother several drastic measures, which I will not elaborate, to remove. I think she never really recovered from the ordeal though she lived for a year more before my mom decided she was just suffering too much. I also remembered once encountering a white terrier like stray on the street. A rather friendly fellow, but much to my horror, I discovered it had several of those horrid critters eating away at its anus. I was pretty much horrified and helpless. Being too young then to know the options of helping the little pooch, which in any case would have been pointless because knowing small town vets, they would just have optioned for putting it to sleep. I think I carried the guilt for a long while for doing nothing. I never saw the stray again. It also left me wondering as to why anyone could just abandon their pet to such a fate.

Foul memories aside, I do acknowledge the usefulness of these... things. Though I wonder if I ever come to such a desperate need for such treatment would I actually allow it, even if the other option means losing a couple of limbs. Squirming larvae in my feet... the thought of it already makes me queesy.

World Peace

And so dimunitive Pluto loses its planet status after 75 years. In a rather dramatic twist in where astronomers gathered in an unprecedented event to reclassify celestial objects, originally intending for the solar system to extend its planetary family to twelve, the debate came to a bitter end for Pluto supporters after it failed to adhere to new guidelines that defines what a planet is. Personally, I am a bit disappointed at this piece of news myself but mostly because I am more a traditionalist rather than a revolutionist. Most of the time I prefer things to stay as they are, though I would agree to scientists' views that Pluto's eccentricities does put Pluto's planethood into question. Anyway, this entry is not really about astronomical news, but rather some global issues that I am interested in.

Some of my friends would know I am not too fond of politics. Sean once guessed right when he said that I'd probably don't give a rat's arse about what is going on in the Middle-East. Well ok, those weren't his exact words but it would be close, which he, in any case was right. My opinion on the whole Middle-East crisis can be summed up in my rather destructive and genocidal proposal. Nuke the whole God forsaken region. I think the world could do better without an Israel, or Palestine, or Lebanon, or whatever troublemaking country is located within that area. Frankly speaking, those nations are like a pimple on the face of the Earth. Turn the whole region into a nuclear holocaust and hey, nothing more left to dispute over right?

Issues that perk my interests usually what I would term as the "underdog issues" - issues that mostly taken for granted or overlooked. Issues like global warming, archaeology, animal extinction etc. I mean take the whole Katrina thing, while others are more concerned about human side of the tragedy I was more concerned about the pets that were left to fend for themselves in the aftermath of the tragedy. An estimated 2000-3000 animals died in the tragedy, compared to the paltry sum of human lives lost. I'm sorry if I have total disregard for human life, but I agree with Agent Smith (of The Matrix) that humans are like viruses - they infect their host (in this case, Earth) and eventually destroy it.

Don't start to hate me yet, I do not disregard human issues altogether. For instance I am quite a follower of the Dalai Lama's activities. Generally I am concerned that when he finally dies, there would not be another Dalai Lama. The present Tenzin Gyatso had once suggested that when he eventually passes on, perhaps he would not return (Lamas believe in continuous reincarnation to help humanity towards the path of enlightenment), or either that, choose not to be reborn within Chinese Territory. Which makes sense, since the greedy Chinese government would take advantage to name their own successor to achieve their own ends. They already did that with the Panchen Lama, who traditionally plays the role of recognising the successor to the Dalai Lama and vice versa. So since the current Panchen Lama is nothing more than a Chinese puppet, the future of the next sucessor will probably be in jeopardy.

See, I am not really a beauty queen after all. Don't bother trying to discuss about gay rights issues with me though. I might be gay, but I am not much of a supporter when it comes to this cause. In fact I am pretty much against it. For simple reasons that I don't think that gay community has earned the respect they have been clamouring for. I think gay pride events are nothing more than a huge tasteless joke which I am all too eager to distance myself from. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of respectable gay people out there, I just don't think the majority of them are doing the right thing to warrant respect from the rest of society.

Singularity

This is a typical conversation between me and somebody whom I haven't met in a while:

Friend: So who have you been seeing lately?
Me: Uh... nobody? Still pretty much single?
Friend: How come?
Me: Because there is nobody worthwhile dating I guess...
Friend: But you're working in the gym! There are plenty of hot guys there!
Me: Don't think I can date anybody from the gym...
Friend: And why not?
Me: Well firstly, I don't think I should "shit where I eat". Secondly the program I teach is shunned by gay folk because they are afraid it would crush their delicate balls. Thirdly, every guy who goes to gym is probably in love with themselves more than anything else.
Friend: Well... ok true on the first two counts, but the third one where got??
Me: OK... here, I will prove it to you. Take a look at that guy over there for example (singles out hot gay guy working out on the floor). Hot, right? Sexy, yes? Does he look like he sees anything but himself in the mirror? I don't think I need a boyfriend who'd probably want to fuck in front of a mirror so he could see how beautiful he looks while cumming.
Friend: ... then how? What about clubs?
Me: But I don't like clubbing...
Friend: That's where you'll get to meet people!
Me: Look, think about it. Do you see anyone in the club who is even remotely relationship material?
Friend: ... true also... then how are you ever going to meet anyone?
Me: I dunno?
Friend: Ok fine, since both gym and clubs are out of the question where do you think you'll find a guy?
Me: *Dreamy look* Well I wouldn't mind someone hitting on me at the library or bookstore...
Friend: ...
Me: What? Is it so wrong that I'd prefer someone to fuck my brain instead of my ass?
Friend: ...
Me: ...

Not A Man

Last night, I had dinner with a friend whom I met in gym. One of the rare ones which I knew from my own accord and not from being pimped by a total mamasan friend of mine (identity witheld for privacy purposes). And no, this person was not a date, rather just a casual friend. A topic that came into the conversation was about gay relationships in particular. Now this guy has been in a relationship with the same person for about two years, a relatively remarkable achievement in our circles.

My longest relationship lasted only a year, and that was partly because it was mostly long distance and there were set rules. Basically speaking, the relationship was open, though Roy put that into practice, I did not. I just didn't want to seem like I was holding him back. He asked me to go overseas to be with him and he wouldn't mind at all supporting me but I felt I was too young (then) to be making that kind of commitment. In the end, he found someone who could give him the commitment I couldn't and I let him go. I sulked for a day but other than that, I did not shed a tear. It was the first and last time I would ever submit to an open relationship.

Since then I have come a long way, and my innocence had taken a heavy beating - exes be damned. I remembered when I was 19, I was infatuated with this 26 year old guy I met who did not believe that a relationship gives one happiness. Of course being me then I tried my best to change his mind. Ironic that now when I am at the same age as him I should feel the same way he did. Being brought up the old fashion way, I always believe when you commit yourself to a relationship, you should try your best to make it work, cliche as it should sound, for better or for worse. How old fashioned? Let's just say before I came to the city, I'd only thought divorces happen on TV.

Gay or straight, men will be men. I guess because there is no legal binding (think marriage) to gay couples, it makes it even easier to call it quits whenever things get tough. Strangely enough I never really thought of myself as one of them, though not to say I think of myself as a woman. I am just... something else. Sometimes I think my mentality makes me an outcast even among my own 'kind'.

Not believing in the conventional way of bagging a man, Dr. Frank N Furter made his own boytoy.

Buy Me!

Some weeks ago, I finally purchased the entire five seasons of Six Feet Under, all pirated of course. I am not about to fund the lifestyles of a bunch of snotty celebrities with my hard earned money, even if they are remarkably talented. It was something that I had been procrastinating on since I broke up with my last ex. That itself will be another story for some other time. Anyway, to my annoyance, I discovered the entire season three would not play on my desktop. And that lead me to fulfilled yet another long procrastinated purchase. I bought a brand new 21" Samsung TV and a DVD player.

I know it may seem overboard just so I can watch a bunch of pirated DVDs but that will be a discussion for another time. In any case, I spent about RM580 on those two items all in a single visit to the ever conveniently abundant Giant Hypermarkets. About a year back, just to make arranging music easier for my classes, I bought a 5GB Creative Zen Neeon MP3 player for about RM600+. The puny thing could be covered by one hand. It was a purchase that I would regret later when I found out that I have to connect the contraption to my PC everytime I need to make a playlist.

A few months ago I also bought a handmade statuette of Kuan Yin imported from China for RM408. And no, I didn't buy it because of its relative gay-ness, that's another tale for another entry. In any case, it doesn't serve much of a function other than its aesthetic visual value (a purchase which I did not regret). So what am I trying to relate here? At a price less the one MP3 player and I manage to get a TV and DVD player, which I could use for various forms of entertainment. Yet the all the blasted MP3 player could do is play music, well and occasionally function as a portable harddisk. And from what I gather, the scourge iPod cost twice that amount... AT LEAST.

As for the statuette, though pleasing to my eyes, does nothing but "stand" there. I think I can also make a reference to wingedman's complaint on the rather pricey Ikea Audrey Hepburn wall decoration which in the end Jay made for him totally free of charge and better looking too if I might add. Another friend of mine could blow RM500 within a day on trivial things like clothes (I could suffer repercussions from making this statement). I think we're all just a bunch of guillible twits when it comes to buying stuff. Which leads me think about how one gauges the value and worth of a purchase. It's kind of ridiculous sometimes to find that we are compelled to buy relatively useless and impractical items, yet wouldn't pay a single cent on things that we badly need. Right now, I am starting to doubt the wisdom of my purchase yesterday, especially since the at least 25-year-old still working TV sits now in the spare room, swathed in plastic covering like some murder victim (think Laura Palmer).

Trouble On The Fast Lane

I must admit, patience is not a virtue of mine. But it was not always so - nowadays I noticed I am more particularly short-tempered. Maybe it's city life, maybe it's a symptom of aging (my mom has this theory that men get more grumpy as they get older). I find myself flustered often especially on the road. All it takes is for one slow driver obstructing my way and I would be yelling obscenities that would give a nun a heartattack. Another particular pet peeve of mine are fast food eatery queues. Well I am not really impatient about the queue itself but rather clueless dim-wits who do not know how to use the queuing time to decide what they would like to order or ask remarkably stupid questions like:

"How big your burger ar?"

*Long pause while fingering the menu* "Uuuuuuhhhhh..."

*Looking at partner* "What you want to order ar?"
*Clueless partner looks back* "I dunno ar... what you ordering?"
"I haven't decided ar... you order first laaa"

The latter usually makes me more livid than the rest. I still remember this particular one from my days in high school related to me by a friend. It was during the time when McDonald's was selling these little teddy bears.

McD Employee: Hi miss can I take your order?
Clueless Woman: Yes, I will have set (insert number). I want to buy the McTeddy as well.
McD Employee: Would you like your set small, medium or large?
Clueless Woman: The teddy ar?
McD Employee: ....

I think my friend almost keeled over when he overheard the conversation. Another prime example of wasted queuing time as well delaying the queue. It is beyond me as to why these people can't be bothered to look at the huge menus plastered on the wall behind the counter before their turn to place their order. The more obvious ones would be couples who are too busy fondling each other. No offence girls, but you're the prime instigators. And nothing ticks me off more than fat girls dressed in tight, mid-rift exposing jeans and tops canoodling with their beng/mat rock boyfriends instead of making up their minds. Well actually it wouldn't matter if they are with their boyfriends or with a similarly dressed female monstrosity, either way they are likely to piss me off. Either I have an affinity to always end up behind such species while lining up for anything or KL just happen to be full of these salah cases.

And straight people wonder why we're gay. You're just blind.