Thursday, July 20, 2006

So Why Am I Single?

I am unhappy being single.

I am even more unhappy being attached.

Or so it has proven so far. I will admit to being bitter over my failed relationships. I consider all my exes (maybe except the first one) hitch-hikers. They see you as a conduit, and when they are done with their part of the journey they just get off. The only difference in a true hitch-hiker is they just share your journey for a moment, while in exes they don't share. They take a part of you that you are not willing to part with at the end of the journey. So maybe in a way, they are more like hijackers than hitch-hikers.

Yes, I am bitter. I am VERY bitter. Some may say I am just being petty for blaming my exes for how I choose to feel and for everything that went wrong. Maybe they're right. It has always been about choices, but I hate my exes for giving me the choice to choose despair. Vengeful as it may sound, nothing will satisfy me more than to see them suffer the way they made me suffer. I will readily agree that in the end it will never make me feel better. It will not make me 'whole' again the way I was before.

Anger is not a hot feeling. It has made me cold. I sensed sometimes it has become a hindrance for anyone to connect to me. Though I see the good in people, I see their flaws more. When people approach me I feel nothing most of the time but revulsion. My suspicion of their intentions makes me slam the door in their faces. But I am not a bad person. It just takes a little time to get around my wall. However not many is willing to take the effort. So until I meet someone who does, I don't think I need to answer anymore questions about my singlehood.

They've got a wall in China
It's a thousand miles long
To keep out the foreigners
They made it strong
And I've got a wall around
That you can't even see

It took a little time
To get next to me


I hope you will find yourself over that wall some day.

2 comments:

CJ said...

we are only beautiful because of our flaws.

Saravanan said...

I start with Hello. :)