For those who did not follow my exploits in Livejournal, basically the topic of this entry is about this guy whom I have been in love with for three years. How can that be? Just let me summarise it like this, unrequited love and I've grown to get used to the fact that he will never feel for me the way I feel for him. At first it was difficult for me to accept whenever he gets attached, but three years down it has dulled into a mild annoyance whenever he speaks about his latest conquest. Of course in that three years I did not exactly hold out for him; I did date other people. Just that basically my feelings for him never changed. Until lately that is...
And this is what this entry is about. Over the weekend I found my feelings for him have somewhat died. As with all things, he has changed. He is no longer the person I fell in love with. As nicotinegum suggested I think he has become a jerk. He has no respect for his boyfriend, no guilt when it comes to flaunting his fidelity and worst still from his own admittance, he no longer believes in a relationship. The very innocence that I used to adore in him has become corrupted. Don't get me wrong, it didn't get replaced, it is still there, just that it has become a mockery of what it once was. Like a rosy apple with unseen worms inside.
I am rather disappointed at the change but at the same time confused on my stand on this matter. To be honest I don't really know if I can really say my feelings for him died, I just know I don't like the way he is now. I am in no position to tell him what I feel is wrong or right. Sometimes I wonder if my opinions to him are as unbiased as the ones I give to ordinary friends. Whenever he tells me he is on the verge of a breakup, I always feel a tinge of excitement at the prospect of him being single again. This time however, that feeling has somewhat diminished because I do not agree with the reasons he gave. Maybe it is just me and my dislike towards change.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Tales From The Gym
After a month instructing at the not-so-new "new" venue, I have finally had enough of the poorly maintained equipment. Members looked half-dead from the erratic bursts in resistance and I felt like someone threw a punch in my gut. So I sent this message to the "ever friendly" coordinator:
Dude, I know your manager promised you new bikes, but can you look into upkeeping the current ones first? It's like a ride of death every week.
Barely a minute later, a reply came:
Already called for repair...
I was rather pleased with the reply but later after I left the locker and came back I saw this message on my phone:
Please understand I teach there too. We've been rushing them to repair all the time.
Took a look at the schedule board, and "friendly coordinator"'s name was not there. He must be thinking I was borned yesterday. Not that I am not being empathic to the coordinators' endless declarations of being very busy people, but most of the other coordinators I worked with are very receptive to any reports of the condition of the equipments. The previous coordinator kept them spic & span. Another coordinator at the neighbouring branch entertained no excuses for delay from the maintenance people. Incompetence? You tell me.
Dude, I know your manager promised you new bikes, but can you look into upkeeping the current ones first? It's like a ride of death every week.
Barely a minute later, a reply came:
Already called for repair...
I was rather pleased with the reply but later after I left the locker and came back I saw this message on my phone:
Please understand I teach there too. We've been rushing them to repair all the time.
Took a look at the schedule board, and "friendly coordinator"'s name was not there. He must be thinking I was borned yesterday. Not that I am not being empathic to the coordinators' endless declarations of being very busy people, but most of the other coordinators I worked with are very receptive to any reports of the condition of the equipments. The previous coordinator kept them spic & span. Another coordinator at the neighbouring branch entertained no excuses for delay from the maintenance people. Incompetence? You tell me.
Monday, July 24, 2006
There's Something About "Mary"
There is this particular guy who always catches my eye whenever I instruct at this gym. Twice a week I'm there and he'll be there as well. I am not implying he is stalking me of course, he's just there probably because that was the most convenient branch that he goes to. In fact he never joins any classes as far as I could see. He just works with the weights. Really tanned fellow, lean build and abs to die for, and this coming from a person who is not much into abs (I consider myself a more shoulder and arms person). He looks totally cool (in an icy sort of way), and it's a rare opportunity to actually catch him smiling.
In case anyone thinks I am being swept off my feet, this is not what it is all about. He just catches my eye. Much like a pretty looking cake, but you have no desire whatsoever to eat it. I am just curious as to why he catches my eye. Then yesterday it dawned on me. He looked almost like someone I used to date. Someone who later really messed me up (doesn't almost every single one of them?). Of course this one is a lot better looking than the guy I used to date. Definitely three times more buffed. However now that I know who he reminds me of I have kind of lost my visual appetite. He could smile at me and I think it would be my turn to turn icy.
In case anyone thinks I am being swept off my feet, this is not what it is all about. He just catches my eye. Much like a pretty looking cake, but you have no desire whatsoever to eat it. I am just curious as to why he catches my eye. Then yesterday it dawned on me. He looked almost like someone I used to date. Someone who later really messed me up (doesn't almost every single one of them?). Of course this one is a lot better looking than the guy I used to date. Definitely three times more buffed. However now that I know who he reminds me of I have kind of lost my visual appetite. He could smile at me and I think it would be my turn to turn icy.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
So Why Am I Single?
I am unhappy being single.
I am even more unhappy being attached.
Or so it has proven so far. I will admit to being bitter over my failed relationships. I consider all my exes (maybe except the first one) hitch-hikers. They see you as a conduit, and when they are done with their part of the journey they just get off. The only difference in a true hitch-hiker is they just share your journey for a moment, while in exes they don't share. They take a part of you that you are not willing to part with at the end of the journey. So maybe in a way, they are more like hijackers than hitch-hikers.
Yes, I am bitter. I am VERY bitter. Some may say I am just being petty for blaming my exes for how I choose to feel and for everything that went wrong. Maybe they're right. It has always been about choices, but I hate my exes for giving me the choice to choose despair. Vengeful as it may sound, nothing will satisfy me more than to see them suffer the way they made me suffer. I will readily agree that in the end it will never make me feel better. It will not make me 'whole' again the way I was before.
Anger is not a hot feeling. It has made me cold. I sensed sometimes it has become a hindrance for anyone to connect to me. Though I see the good in people, I see their flaws more. When people approach me I feel nothing most of the time but revulsion. My suspicion of their intentions makes me slam the door in their faces. But I am not a bad person. It just takes a little time to get around my wall. However not many is willing to take the effort. So until I meet someone who does, I don't think I need to answer anymore questions about my singlehood.
They've got a wall in China
It's a thousand miles long
To keep out the foreigners
They made it strong
And I've got a wall around
That you can't even see
It took a little time
To get next to me
I hope you will find yourself over that wall some day.
I am even more unhappy being attached.
Or so it has proven so far. I will admit to being bitter over my failed relationships. I consider all my exes (maybe except the first one) hitch-hikers. They see you as a conduit, and when they are done with their part of the journey they just get off. The only difference in a true hitch-hiker is they just share your journey for a moment, while in exes they don't share. They take a part of you that you are not willing to part with at the end of the journey. So maybe in a way, they are more like hijackers than hitch-hikers.
Yes, I am bitter. I am VERY bitter. Some may say I am just being petty for blaming my exes for how I choose to feel and for everything that went wrong. Maybe they're right. It has always been about choices, but I hate my exes for giving me the choice to choose despair. Vengeful as it may sound, nothing will satisfy me more than to see them suffer the way they made me suffer. I will readily agree that in the end it will never make me feel better. It will not make me 'whole' again the way I was before.
Anger is not a hot feeling. It has made me cold. I sensed sometimes it has become a hindrance for anyone to connect to me. Though I see the good in people, I see their flaws more. When people approach me I feel nothing most of the time but revulsion. My suspicion of their intentions makes me slam the door in their faces. But I am not a bad person. It just takes a little time to get around my wall. However not many is willing to take the effort. So until I meet someone who does, I don't think I need to answer anymore questions about my singlehood.
They've got a wall in China
It's a thousand miles long
To keep out the foreigners
They made it strong
And I've got a wall around
That you can't even see
It took a little time
To get next to me
I hope you will find yourself over that wall some day.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Mysterious Klang Valley: Part I
Klang Valley, a strange place of many mysteries. Where the unexplained thrives amid everyday lives.
The Mystery of the Traffic Slow-Down
In many areas around Klang Valley there are strange spots where strange occurrences happen that seem to defy logic, the unexplainable traffic slow-downs are one of them. This phenomenon have been known to happen on highways, one of the most afflicted being Federal Highway in front of Angkasapuri. For reasons unknown, traffic will automatically slow down in such areas at all hours of the day, usually resulting in massive traffic congestions during rush hours. Strangely after one has cleared the area, traffic immediately begins to pick up again.
Intelligent minds such as mine have theorised the possibility of some distortion in space, time and continuum, a result of a cocktail of stupidity caused by drivers who passed their driving tests via bribery and poor city planning. Drivers who have passed by such stretches have reported fluctuation in patience and temper and also loss of time.
The Strange Diggers
Almost observed in many parts of Klang Valley, the Strange Diggers resemble roadworks labourers. These enigmatic beings have been known to appear at the same spot again and again to continuously dig up the roads at all hours of the day and night, but more commonly during peak busy hours. Appearances vary, sometimes just consisting of a few workers to full blown menageries of heavy duty tractors and steamrollers accompanied by a whole army of labourers. A badly patched up road is the usual sign that the Strange Diggers have been at work.
Of what reason why these strange beings keep digging at the same spots are unknown. It is believed that Klang Valley apparently sits on a large gold mine and the government is involved in an elaborate cover-up to deceive the masses about this. Others have speculated that the government are building an elaborate network of tunnels beneath Klang Valley. The existence of such tunnels are well-known in the administrative capital of Putrajaya. Could it be possible that such similar tunnels are being built right beneath our noses? What purpose could these mysterious tunnels serve?
Petronas Twin Towers: The Great Mausoleum of the Modern Age?
The Petronas Twin Towers have been known to be the pride and pinnacle of success of the Malaysian government. Look carefully though. The towers resemble a typical Islamic tomb. For those who have never seen one, a typical Islamic tomb consist of a a raised tier which is topped by twin tombstones. In the Petronas Twin Towers' case, KLCC resembles the raised tier while the twin towers resemble the tombstones. But if a tomb is what KLCC is, then who could it be possibly for? Ancient rulers of the past have been known to built elaborate tombs while they are still alive. However, the king is a constitutional and elected monarch, which eliminates the chance that any particular king is getting any special tomb. Could it be possible that some kind of conspiracy ala Da Vinci Code be involved? If so, who could possibly be buried underneath the concourse of KLCC?
*Disclaimer: This entry is meant for satirical purposes only.
The Mystery of the Traffic Slow-Down
In many areas around Klang Valley there are strange spots where strange occurrences happen that seem to defy logic, the unexplainable traffic slow-downs are one of them. This phenomenon have been known to happen on highways, one of the most afflicted being Federal Highway in front of Angkasapuri. For reasons unknown, traffic will automatically slow down in such areas at all hours of the day, usually resulting in massive traffic congestions during rush hours. Strangely after one has cleared the area, traffic immediately begins to pick up again.
Intelligent minds such as mine have theorised the possibility of some distortion in space, time and continuum, a result of a cocktail of stupidity caused by drivers who passed their driving tests via bribery and poor city planning. Drivers who have passed by such stretches have reported fluctuation in patience and temper and also loss of time.
The Strange Diggers
Almost observed in many parts of Klang Valley, the Strange Diggers resemble roadworks labourers. These enigmatic beings have been known to appear at the same spot again and again to continuously dig up the roads at all hours of the day and night, but more commonly during peak busy hours. Appearances vary, sometimes just consisting of a few workers to full blown menageries of heavy duty tractors and steamrollers accompanied by a whole army of labourers. A badly patched up road is the usual sign that the Strange Diggers have been at work.
Of what reason why these strange beings keep digging at the same spots are unknown. It is believed that Klang Valley apparently sits on a large gold mine and the government is involved in an elaborate cover-up to deceive the masses about this. Others have speculated that the government are building an elaborate network of tunnels beneath Klang Valley. The existence of such tunnels are well-known in the administrative capital of Putrajaya. Could it be possible that such similar tunnels are being built right beneath our noses? What purpose could these mysterious tunnels serve?
Petronas Twin Towers: The Great Mausoleum of the Modern Age?
The Petronas Twin Towers have been known to be the pride and pinnacle of success of the Malaysian government. Look carefully though. The towers resemble a typical Islamic tomb. For those who have never seen one, a typical Islamic tomb consist of a a raised tier which is topped by twin tombstones. In the Petronas Twin Towers' case, KLCC resembles the raised tier while the twin towers resemble the tombstones. But if a tomb is what KLCC is, then who could it be possibly for? Ancient rulers of the past have been known to built elaborate tombs while they are still alive. However, the king is a constitutional and elected monarch, which eliminates the chance that any particular king is getting any special tomb. Could it be possible that some kind of conspiracy ala Da Vinci Code be involved? If so, who could possibly be buried underneath the concourse of KLCC?
*Disclaimer: This entry is meant for satirical purposes only.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Fitness Failure
So what does it mean to be a fitness instructor? I used to believe it was about changing lives. I mean, that was even the tagline that is being used to encourage people to participate. It certainly changed mine. So it must be about helping others to become something better, right?
Wrong.
Either I am terribly naive or maybe it is just the fitness industry in particular. I won't say all, but I would say most instructors are just plain narcissists, nepotists, hypocrites and superficial. The higher they go, the less they uphold their original charter. This may seem like a blunt attack, and I will probably risk reprisals should any of my fitness colleagues read this. Then again, if none of them are what I described, they won't feel affected. Just to be fair, I am not naming an parties.
Everyday when each of us step on the stage, supposedly to lead a group of people to better fitness, I wonder how many of us are really up there for self-glorification or to share an experience. When we step off the stage, we don't talk about the lives we change, we talk about class numbers, we laugh about some poor fellow who had difficulty following the class, we demean and backstab others to make ourselves look good. We would go through any lengths, abuse our positions if necessary just to make sure those we do not like stay where they are. We flaunt the very rules we made while using them to control others. We glorify our achievements and think little of those who helped us earn it. We think of ourselves as 'something else', higher than the rest. We forget, once upon a time, we were just as pathetic as any other fitness fledglings who come to our classes everyday, adoring us, wanting to become just like us.
Well don't worship us for we are nothing. I am ashamed to be what I am. Most of all I feel I have not only fundamentally failed to uphold the responsibility of being an instructor, but I have also become a dirty politician having to wipe my hands clean in order to avoid being victimised. I have tried to help others the way I was helped before, but I find now it may very well be my undoing. From what I can see, fitness is now nothing more than a temple to our vanity. I look at it now with utter disgust and I cannot do my classes without feeling the shame.
Full transition to fitness industry? I take it back. If this is what it takes to be a "good instructor", I rather be nobody.
Wrong.
Either I am terribly naive or maybe it is just the fitness industry in particular. I won't say all, but I would say most instructors are just plain narcissists, nepotists, hypocrites and superficial. The higher they go, the less they uphold their original charter. This may seem like a blunt attack, and I will probably risk reprisals should any of my fitness colleagues read this. Then again, if none of them are what I described, they won't feel affected. Just to be fair, I am not naming an parties.
Everyday when each of us step on the stage, supposedly to lead a group of people to better fitness, I wonder how many of us are really up there for self-glorification or to share an experience. When we step off the stage, we don't talk about the lives we change, we talk about class numbers, we laugh about some poor fellow who had difficulty following the class, we demean and backstab others to make ourselves look good. We would go through any lengths, abuse our positions if necessary just to make sure those we do not like stay where they are. We flaunt the very rules we made while using them to control others. We glorify our achievements and think little of those who helped us earn it. We think of ourselves as 'something else', higher than the rest. We forget, once upon a time, we were just as pathetic as any other fitness fledglings who come to our classes everyday, adoring us, wanting to become just like us.
Well don't worship us for we are nothing. I am ashamed to be what I am. Most of all I feel I have not only fundamentally failed to uphold the responsibility of being an instructor, but I have also become a dirty politician having to wipe my hands clean in order to avoid being victimised. I have tried to help others the way I was helped before, but I find now it may very well be my undoing. From what I can see, fitness is now nothing more than a temple to our vanity. I look at it now with utter disgust and I cannot do my classes without feeling the shame.
Full transition to fitness industry? I take it back. If this is what it takes to be a "good instructor", I rather be nobody.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Quick Update
I am finally with a new job but I am not so sure now if I made the right decision. For one thing, I definitely have a problem with bosses who does not like MSN Messengers. Don't like it? Then start training your employees to talk more before their mouths disappear. Secondly, I have been warned by a former intern that my new boss is one of those evangelistic Christians, bent on influencing non-Christians that they are leading sinful lives and that Christ is the only way to salvation. Currently there are two Muslims in the office so they are fodder to any attempts at mass conversion. On the other hand, I would like to see him try his tricks on me. No offence but I derive sadistic joy from debunking wannabe evangelists.
I have also come to realise suddenly how much I despise office life. If there is one thing I can agree with MLM (Multi Level Marketing) enthusiasts is that we whore a minimum of 8 hours a day, most of the time doing something we don't like for a measely salary. There is nothing I look forward more at the end of the day than to flee from the office and go and teach my classes at the gym. I can see now why my fellow instructors have made a migration from the normal doldrum of office life to full-time instructing in the gym. There is definitely more satisfation in it than making my ass fatter by sitting in the office. It's a question now of whether I will make a full transition into the fitness industry. No permanent decisions yet, but I have a feeling that a countdown is in the works and I don't think I will stay here at the new job for any longer than a year. Speaking of gym, I gave up one of my very first classes in USJ in exchange for one that is closer to the new workplace. The number of attendees are appalling, and I can see it's going to be an uphill task to bring up class numbers. It is no wonder that a certain sweaty instructor was so willing to pass it over to me.
Career choices aside, I think I have to stop going huge distances just to prove to someone that I care. Sometimes I wonder if I am really doing those things because of those reasons, perhaps it is just to prove to myself that making sacrifices and making commitments is a natural thing to do. Maybe being a martyr is like an ingrained thing in me but whatever it is, it is a depressive feeling when after all the effort the person just don't realise the significance of your actions. But it's alright because at the end of the day you just can't regret the choices you make even though you know how much you want to. I need to believe that loving someone is not about hoping that it will be returned. Most of all, I need to start loving that person in the mirror more.
I have also come to realise suddenly how much I despise office life. If there is one thing I can agree with MLM (Multi Level Marketing) enthusiasts is that we whore a minimum of 8 hours a day, most of the time doing something we don't like for a measely salary. There is nothing I look forward more at the end of the day than to flee from the office and go and teach my classes at the gym. I can see now why my fellow instructors have made a migration from the normal doldrum of office life to full-time instructing in the gym. There is definitely more satisfation in it than making my ass fatter by sitting in the office. It's a question now of whether I will make a full transition into the fitness industry. No permanent decisions yet, but I have a feeling that a countdown is in the works and I don't think I will stay here at the new job for any longer than a year. Speaking of gym, I gave up one of my very first classes in USJ in exchange for one that is closer to the new workplace. The number of attendees are appalling, and I can see it's going to be an uphill task to bring up class numbers. It is no wonder that a certain sweaty instructor was so willing to pass it over to me.
Career choices aside, I think I have to stop going huge distances just to prove to someone that I care. Sometimes I wonder if I am really doing those things because of those reasons, perhaps it is just to prove to myself that making sacrifices and making commitments is a natural thing to do. Maybe being a martyr is like an ingrained thing in me but whatever it is, it is a depressive feeling when after all the effort the person just don't realise the significance of your actions. But it's alright because at the end of the day you just can't regret the choices you make even though you know how much you want to. I need to believe that loving someone is not about hoping that it will be returned. Most of all, I need to start loving that person in the mirror more.
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