Thursday, February 12, 2009

F*** My Life

There are worse things that could happen to someone on any fine day in the world. Like for instance, a bomb could land right on top of your home and obliterate your entire family while leaving you the maimed sole survivor, or maybe some crazy terrorist decides to send a plane right into your office building. But that's not really the point of this entry. I want to illustrate just how bad things can turn bad on you on any ordinary day.

1. You wake up late.

2. You go to get your breakfast at the nearby coffeeshop, and the people there decide to take their own sweet time to attend to your order.

3. The first signs of annoyance begin when the slow moving vehicles decides to hog the right lane and the left lane is full of slow rumbling trucks.

4. Some bright spark decided it was a good idea to have the Le Tour de Whatever route run through one of the deadliest traffic snarls of rush hour, the dreaded Lebuhraya (or Parking) Damansara - Puchong. It induces a virtual standstill through 3/4 of the entire length of the highway and spilling the mess into several connected routes.

5. It's everybody for themselves. Everyone has somewhere to get to on time, so hell, let's squeeze into whatever lane gets you there faster. Does anyone in the Klang Valley not realise it only slows down traffic even more? Cars start to scrape against each other, cars stop, and drivers argue about who bumped whose butt at the expense of further aggravating the jam.

6. Halfway through the stop and go traffic, you get a stomachache. The kind that probably is a man's closest equivalent to childbirth.

7. You finally get to a shortcut, only to have all the traffic lights (numbering about 10) along the route turn red at your turn, all the while trying your best not to empty your bowels on the carseat.

6. About 500 meters from your office, someone's car decides to breakdown, delaying you from your destination another further 10 minutes.

7. You finally arrive at your office building. You enter the carpark and a really 'considerate' person decides to hog the lane while he waits to take someone else's parking space despite the availability of many more and the other one takes his/her own sweet time to unlock, open the car door, step inside while arranging his/her belongings, check himself/herself in the mirror, buckle up, start the car, and then move out slowly while making sure he/she does not disturb the surrounding air.

8. Great, you finally manage to park and you have so far successfully not soiled your pants yet. You grab your bag, head for the elevator and find both are at the top floor.

9. The elevator finally arrives, and you get inside, all the while praying to whatever God or Supreme Being it is you believe in that it would just go all the way up without stopping. No such luck. It stops at the next floor and you find two people with a trolley talking with each other and not realising the elevator has arrived despite the loud chime. When they finally realise, they slowly push the laden trolley in. Just as the door is about to close, another two persons stops the elevator, and presses the floor right below yours.

10. The elevator stops at next floor, to open to no one waiting outside. Someone apparently thought it was a good idea to press for both floors to save their own time at the expense of someone else's.

11. You finally arrive at your floor, breaking out in a cold sweat from the effort of holding back your bowels, already one and a half hours late and you make a run for the toilet to find all the stalls occupied and the next nearest washroom is on the floor below.

12. You finally make it to an empty washroom, but someone in the next stall apparently could not stand the odour of his own discharge so he lights up a smoke. Heaven for him, suffocation for the one next door.

13. You're sweating from the agony of your efforts.

14. You finally arrive at the office, to a warm office. Because apparently all the women are cold blooded - they could not withstand the air-conditioning.

In the tradition of FML.

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