Elliot Almighty

Now what would happen if God in the guise of Morgan Freeman decides to grant me omnipotent powers to teach me a lesson due to my discontent towards life in general. I would say it would be His biggest mistake after Lucifer... and humans. OK, before I get trashed for being sacrilegious, this entry is not meant to offend the Almighty. Honestly if I were a god, mankind would tremble in fear. They would be sacrificing everything from their pets to their children in hopes of placating my wrath. For one thing I would have no qualms about making dramatic appearances and demonstrating my awesome powers to terrorise mankind into submission.

Forget burning bushes, angels, prophets and saints, I would be making personal appearances Godzilla style. I would smite disbelieving humans in an overkill display of godly powers.

Puny human: You're not God... you're a MONSTER! I don't believe in you!!!
*KRAKOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!*
*Puny human disintegrates in a pile of cinders*
Spouse of puny human: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
*KRAKOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!*
*Spouse of puny human also disintegrates in a pile of cinders*
*Laughs maniacally*

I would be parting traffic jams like the Red Sea everyday on my way to work, or rather I would just blast them out of my way. Wait, why would God even need to work? On the good side, there would be no extremism because zealots would be too busy worshiping me in terror, of which there would still be no respite anyway because I would still be busy zapping at random just because I like doing it. Why bother worshiping then? Don't do it and I still smite the poor sods with a giant fist from the heavens. I will erase the troublesome Middle-East with but a stroke of my thumb and turn everyone there gay just because it seems ironically amusing to me. I will turn all the Chinese into tree hugging hippies and the Americans into fabulously campy cross dressers. FEAR ME!!!

Unfortunately, it is just another boring week day in the office, and God I am not. But one can still daydream no?

Harry Potter & The Gay Innuendos

I was among the throngs of Dementhors... excuse me, demented people who embraced the throngs to watch the fifth big screen adaptation of Devil's henchwoman... I'm sorry, J.K. Rowling's piece of hacked-up cat furball of a book, Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix. My question is, what order? Judging from my none too kind opinion, I am sure one would have already guessed without much difficulty that I am not much of a fan of the geeky one who survived because some baddie without a nose didn't have much sense to use more traditional methods to murder a baby instead of sticking a wand where it didn't belong.

Sean had to bribe me with this to watch the movie

But anyway, back to the question, yes, what order? I don't know if it was because the original plot of the book was heavily condensed for the motion picture, but it sure fits poorly especially when the aforementioned order only makes up less than 10 minutes of screen time. That refers too to the ensemble of Oscar winners and nominees and A-grade thespians who make an appearance. One would wonder what Emma Thompson's Sybill Trelawney or Maggie Smith's Minerva Mcgonagall was doing in there or Helena Bonham Carter's Bellatrix LeStrange too other than to screech wildly before despatching Gary Oldman's Sirius Black (which I understood had fans protesting and sobbing buckets). And if anyone is thinking Ralph Fiennes' Voldermort is the main villain, you are gravely mistaken. In fact he just ends up looking retarded with every close up, noseless. What a waste of Mr Fiennes' good looks. The honor instead goes to the annoying Dolores Umbridge (Imelda Staunton), whom I must praise, made the character absolutely hateful. Enough to make you wish you did not have to tolerate another appearance of her pussy obsessed character.

Other than that, the whole movie was just nothing more than a rollercoaster of amusement decked with all the trappings of yet another Hollywood blockbuster, nothing more. I thought it had plots and effects shamelessly stolen from Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. What kept me entertained was the variety of unintentional (or was it?) gay innuendos riddled throughout the movie, including Sirius Black's unabashed gushing and adoration for Harry's late father James Potter. Albus Dumbledore's last line, "I care for you too much, Harry" had me in stitches. I am sure you do you dirty old fucker.