Crouching Pirate Hidden Pimp

I hardly ever buy DVDs nowadays, mostly because Food Snob dumps a portion of his cache on me once he's done watching them. Unfortunately after a year of doing so, he has yet to have a lot of hits as to guessing what type of movies are to my liking. So it was on one of those rare occasions yesterday that I decided to pay a visit to the neighbourhood DVD pirate which has a lot of titles to satisfy the finicky person like me. As most Malaysians are familiar with, DVD pirates are mostly a stereotypical lot. The Chinese lala beng types who used to rule Chinatown (which now resembles Banglatown more). Being the fact that the joint is new, the proprietor was very much friendly to any visitor who drops by. A little too friendly perhaps. At first he tried recommending titles to me. Me, being me however, usually do not appreciate being constantly harrassed while perusing though I just nodded and smiled to humour the man.

Then he began to explain to me his promotions, of how I can mix and match different sorts of DVDs in his shop and get one free if I buy five titles. He sneakily lead me to a section where softcore porn were among the mix, then he said in a coy tone that he had more hardcore ones in the room at the back and that he can recommend me some titles if I needed. I flustered and waved him away while trying to distract him by showing more interest in his Star Trek: Voyager boxed set ( I REALLY WAS INTERESTED IN THAT, OK?!). Not to be perturbed, he insisted and lead me to his secret stash. I had to humour him for a while browsing through various heterosexual hardcore porn while trying my best to feign interest in abnormally large bosoms and penis-chomping vaginas, though in reality I was more interested in the stack with a naked man brazenly displaying his genitalia.

"Try these titles! Got story wan!" he says (in Cantonese of course).

He left me alone after a while much to my relief, though I still had to pretend to browse through more titties and vaginas for fear he might be observing me through some secret hidden camera to find out my "consumer habits". I left the room unobtrusively as possible to avoid his attention, but alas:

"Aiyah boss, nothing you like?"

"Er. No." I felt as if everyone in the shop was looking at me, "I will just stick with your old movies thanks."

I quickly shuffled back to the Blu-ray section and made my choice and quickly paid for them. But DVDman was not about to let me go without a fight.

"You don't have to worry, I will never bluff you! What I recommend to you is all clear wan... I still want to make sure you come back right??"

"Right. That's what you DVD sellers say."

"Aiya, don't say like that la... tell you what...." he lowers his voice a notch, "If you want to kiu kai, you let me know! I do this also!"

"WHAT???!!! You do THAT as well??"

For those of you who don't know, kiu kai here is a crude way to say "soliciting the services of a prostitute".

"Yaaa! All Chung Guok mui (Mainland Chinese girls), guaranteed pretty! I don't do all those Malay, Malay wan. You just let me know what you want, I arrange for you!"

Dear God, that was the straw that broke MY back. I walked as fast as I could from the place without breaking into a panic run, half wanting to throw my earlier purchase back at the offending pimp. I felt as if I had just made a donation supporting the flesh trade. I have no problems with piracy, but I draw the line at prostituion. One thing is for sure, no way I am going back THERE again.