I can tell myself a million times that everything will be alright but how does one believe in his own lies? I am not alright. I am not free. I am in a prison that I can never be released from and I am slowly dying. I can't deal with this alone but there is nobody I can turn to. Time... time is no longer my friend.
God? Are you still there? Why can't I feel you anymore?
Monday, December 06, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I opened my eyes and I was before Him - the Supreme Being, the One who was said to have one voice but many faces. The All Creator for whom millions have lived and died for out of sheer faith alone. I was finally before Him. The light emanating from Him was blinding but yet it did not hurt, while a host of heavenly beings suspended around Him, all seeming as if they were an extension of his being. It was like as if all the warmth of the world had become tangible and you know you will never want to be away from this ever again.
I was not the only mortal before Him. Standing in a line to my left were four others, a leader of men, a woman who had dedicated her virginity and life to religion, a pauper whose life had known all the sufferings of the world and a child, with innocence unblemished.
The Great being spoke, or seemingly spoke for his mouth did no move, "You are gathered before me for the day of judgment has come. You are chosen among humanity to judge your peers. The fate of all humanity now rests in your answers to my question. Bear in mind that your verdict must be unanimous. Should one of you oppose, then I shall deem all humanity flawed and unworthy of existence. Thus, here is my question: Does humankind deserve salvation?"
The great leader of men spoke first for it came natural to him to take charge, his answer delivered with such eloquence which made you believe that he was born to present these words, "My Lord, my answer is yes. For all the failures and wars that humanity has waged over the years, I have seen men capable of great deeds worthy of great promise."
The devoted woman spoke next, her voice trembling from the devotion and worship to the one thing that was the sole purpose of her life, "Oh Great Holy Father, my answer is yes - for I refuse to believe that we, your children are flawed when it is you who created us and gave us life."
The pauper, the one who knew nothing but hardship all his existence spoke at his turn, "I have known nothing but the ills and pain of life, but yet I have seen also seen the kindness of some people move mountains. I mean... surely that means something? My answer is yes... definitely yes..."
Then came the child's turn to speak, her voice timid before the vision in front of her, "Yes... I think I would like a chance to grow up, to live my dreams and have my own children some day so I could teach them all the things I have learned..."
And finally it was my turn - the commoner who probably represented every faceless men and women who had ever existed or yet to come. All faces turn to look at me. My peers all smiled with expectant looks on their faces. I couldn't help but smiled back. Then I turned to the Being whom I had half-believed throughout my entire life and I smiled at Him.
"No."
I was not the only mortal before Him. Standing in a line to my left were four others, a leader of men, a woman who had dedicated her virginity and life to religion, a pauper whose life had known all the sufferings of the world and a child, with innocence unblemished.
The Great being spoke, or seemingly spoke for his mouth did no move, "You are gathered before me for the day of judgment has come. You are chosen among humanity to judge your peers. The fate of all humanity now rests in your answers to my question. Bear in mind that your verdict must be unanimous. Should one of you oppose, then I shall deem all humanity flawed and unworthy of existence. Thus, here is my question: Does humankind deserve salvation?"
The great leader of men spoke first for it came natural to him to take charge, his answer delivered with such eloquence which made you believe that he was born to present these words, "My Lord, my answer is yes. For all the failures and wars that humanity has waged over the years, I have seen men capable of great deeds worthy of great promise."
The devoted woman spoke next, her voice trembling from the devotion and worship to the one thing that was the sole purpose of her life, "Oh Great Holy Father, my answer is yes - for I refuse to believe that we, your children are flawed when it is you who created us and gave us life."
The pauper, the one who knew nothing but hardship all his existence spoke at his turn, "I have known nothing but the ills and pain of life, but yet I have seen also seen the kindness of some people move mountains. I mean... surely that means something? My answer is yes... definitely yes..."
Then came the child's turn to speak, her voice timid before the vision in front of her, "Yes... I think I would like a chance to grow up, to live my dreams and have my own children some day so I could teach them all the things I have learned..."
And finally it was my turn - the commoner who probably represented every faceless men and women who had ever existed or yet to come. All faces turn to look at me. My peers all smiled with expectant looks on their faces. I couldn't help but smiled back. Then I turned to the Being whom I had half-believed throughout my entire life and I smiled at Him.
"No."
Sunday, August 01, 2010
The Moment
Today I cried. I cried for a moment lost in time. It was a moment where I felt love, peace and hope for the future. The three things which rarely comes in my life and now forever denied to me.
If I could choose a moment to live for an eternity, it would have been that moment. The sun on my skin, the sand at my feet, the soothing music in my ears while we drank beer by the sea.
That precious moment. Forever lost.
Now as my days grow darker, the memory of that moment in time will both warm me and haunt me. Will I have that moment again at the end of this painful journey?
Café del Mar, Sentosa Island, Singapore - 19 July 2009
If I could choose a moment to live for an eternity, it would have been that moment. The sun on my skin, the sand at my feet, the soothing music in my ears while we drank beer by the sea.
That precious moment. Forever lost.
Now as my days grow darker, the memory of that moment in time will both warm me and haunt me. Will I have that moment again at the end of this painful journey?
Café del Mar, Sentosa Island, Singapore - 19 July 2009
Monday, June 28, 2010
Storm
We were all beings who represented as aspect of existence. Our very being governs the weave of reality itself. Each of us has a counterpart, who were the opposite of the other. And that was the way it was. But for the billions of years since our existence we have become unchanging and that itself is becoming a danger. The eldest summons a conclave in the Glass Tower that lies above all reality and we come. In our high pinnacle, we oversee all.
So it was decided to change the balance, one of us must be sacrificed and sent into Reality to become mortal. To do so however will damage the fabric of existence. The eldest decided that the least significant of us will have to cross the barrier of the Halfway Realm to Reality. Functionless was the chosen one to fulfill the task. But she was fearful of the decision and refuses to comply for none of our kind has taken the journey across the Halfway Realm. To allay her fears, I volunteered to accompany her.
So we crossed the doorway, from the realm beyond existence into the Halfway Realm, which was a narrow claustrophobic corridor that connects both worlds. Once she has crossed into Reality, I must remain behind in the Halfway Realm and watch over her from behind the transparent doorway of which mortals cannot see but those of our kind are aware. I cannot cross the barrier for to do so will destroy space and time. So there I remained for 28 days while Functionless became mortal, all the while being able to see me waiting behind the doorway that no mortals can discern. Once she was fully mortal, she comes back to the doorway and begs me to stay with her. She begs and pleads, and finally she forcefully pulls me into Reality.
Immediately upon setting foot into Reality I became aware of its unraveling. The lack of my aspect in the weave has upset the balance. And to my horror, there beyond the horizon of the city, a terrible storm emerged like apocalyptic beast swallowing all in its path. Red lightning flashed in its all engulfing dark clouds. The very air crackled and smelled of electricity. Buildings crumbled before the lashing lightning and vanished in the darkness.
Pushing her away I dashed back into the Halfway Realm and stumbled back into the Glass Tower, just moments away before the Reality Storm engulfs the tower. My peers stare in horror at the vanishing horizon. With all my strength I reasserted myself back into the weave of Reality, bearing the brunt of the storm. The dark clouds recoiled almost immediately, as if struck by an invisible force. But not before several bolts of red hot lightning seared the tower, shaking it to the very foundations. The air was charged. And almost immediately, the storm disappears, thunder rumbling in its wake. My peers mumbled in silent wonder and terror of the vanishing storm as I felt the breath sucked out of me and I collapsed on my knees...
- excerpt
So it was decided to change the balance, one of us must be sacrificed and sent into Reality to become mortal. To do so however will damage the fabric of existence. The eldest decided that the least significant of us will have to cross the barrier of the Halfway Realm to Reality. Functionless was the chosen one to fulfill the task. But she was fearful of the decision and refuses to comply for none of our kind has taken the journey across the Halfway Realm. To allay her fears, I volunteered to accompany her.
So we crossed the doorway, from the realm beyond existence into the Halfway Realm, which was a narrow claustrophobic corridor that connects both worlds. Once she has crossed into Reality, I must remain behind in the Halfway Realm and watch over her from behind the transparent doorway of which mortals cannot see but those of our kind are aware. I cannot cross the barrier for to do so will destroy space and time. So there I remained for 28 days while Functionless became mortal, all the while being able to see me waiting behind the doorway that no mortals can discern. Once she was fully mortal, she comes back to the doorway and begs me to stay with her. She begs and pleads, and finally she forcefully pulls me into Reality.
Immediately upon setting foot into Reality I became aware of its unraveling. The lack of my aspect in the weave has upset the balance. And to my horror, there beyond the horizon of the city, a terrible storm emerged like apocalyptic beast swallowing all in its path. Red lightning flashed in its all engulfing dark clouds. The very air crackled and smelled of electricity. Buildings crumbled before the lashing lightning and vanished in the darkness.
Pushing her away I dashed back into the Halfway Realm and stumbled back into the Glass Tower, just moments away before the Reality Storm engulfs the tower. My peers stare in horror at the vanishing horizon. With all my strength I reasserted myself back into the weave of Reality, bearing the brunt of the storm. The dark clouds recoiled almost immediately, as if struck by an invisible force. But not before several bolts of red hot lightning seared the tower, shaking it to the very foundations. The air was charged. And almost immediately, the storm disappears, thunder rumbling in its wake. My peers mumbled in silent wonder and terror of the vanishing storm as I felt the breath sucked out of me and I collapsed on my knees...
- excerpt
Monday, September 14, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Profile Headline FAIL
Just some really FAIL headlines I found while trolling profile sites in boredom:
"i want to search any people that i can have fun with them.. " - well you can't discredit him for being not picky.
"Just me n me only..looking for below my age n ready for ltr not for fun..say no to sissy n chub also indians" - Racist! And uh... disciminator!
"Men with a great structure of body! Hot Sexy - MALAY ONLY " - Yeah everybody loves a great uh... erection.
"DONT TRUST ANY PEOPLE ESPECIALLY UR BF AND UR BEST FRIENDS..THEY WILL TREAT U BADLY ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " - you can taste his bitterness all the way from here.
"Don't call me anything fussy because I'm a Headliner. " - trying to be witty FAIL.
"Hi, lets have fun" - direct WIN!
"HoNeSt-----The MoSt ImPortANt One.... TrUsT...sHouLd Be ALonG wIth RelAtIoNsHiP " - ThErE iS sOmEtHiNg aBoUt hIs RoLlEr CoAsTeR lEtTerIng tHat JuSt PuTs Me OfF.
"I'm mixed. Please don't ask about my new photos...I won't give it anyway... I already give my dick photos for you guys to see..." - an emotional plea.
"very open minded n don't like to be push in any situation... people will love me in the way i am... ... " - Loser WIN. Confidence FAIL.
"looking for fun and all that goes with it " - you know this guy absolutely knows a good bargain.
"i want to search any people that i can have fun with them.. " - well you can't discredit him for being not picky.
"Just me n me only..looking for below my age n ready for ltr not for fun..say no to sissy n chub also indians" - Racist! And uh... disciminator!
"Men with a great structure of body! Hot Sexy - MALAY ONLY " - Yeah everybody loves a great uh... erection.
"DONT TRUST ANY PEOPLE ESPECIALLY UR BF AND UR BEST FRIENDS..THEY WILL TREAT U BADLY ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " - you can taste his bitterness all the way from here.
"Don't call me anything fussy because I'm a Headliner. " - trying to be witty FAIL.
"Hi, lets have fun" - direct WIN!
"HoNeSt-----The MoSt ImPortANt One.... TrUsT...sHouLd Be ALonG wIth RelAtIoNsHiP " - ThErE iS sOmEtHiNg aBoUt hIs RoLlEr CoAsTeR lEtTerIng tHat JuSt PuTs Me OfF.
"I'm mixed. Please don't ask about my new photos...I won't give it anyway... I already give my dick photos for you guys to see..." - an emotional plea.
"very open minded n don't like to be push in any situation... people will love me in the way i am... ... " - Loser WIN. Confidence FAIL.
"looking for fun and all that goes with it " - you know this guy absolutely knows a good bargain.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Friday, June 05, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Of Pets
I like having pets. I have had dogs since I was five - well up till I moved to the city anyway. After that there was a pet-less six years due to the fact I had no fixed lodgings, followed by the fact that I live alone and I hardly spend any time at home. Of course in those years, I had housemates who had pets, a rather old shaggy orange hamster whom I nicknamed Hamtaro (whom I ended up taking care of in my housemate's absence) and a tank of fish (that also ended up my responsibility in her absence).
When I did eventually have my own place I always wanted a dog but it didn't seem like a good idea to leave a dog alone in the house for 12 hours a day. I could imagine coming home to happy tail wagging in a background of chaos and "landmines". Eventually I did get a fish in a bowl but there didn't seem much amusement in that aside from the fact that they don't usually don't live long.
And then I considered getting a cat - but the fact their poop are probably the most hazardous things next to anthrax did not appeal to me. And cat hairs are likely to give me fits. My mom also does not like cats - she's fine with them, as long as they don't live with her. I also did not appreciate that cats often appear nonchalant towards their owners. One queen in the house was quite enough. Last week, I did the unthinkable. I did not do it on an impulse because I thought about it for at least two months. It is undeniable though that I was reckless with my considerations. Maybe I just wanted to be less analytical for once and take a risk. So now here I am saddled down by a pair of rabbits.
Buyer's remorse, I definitely have it. Mostly from the fact that they poop and pee with such frequency that I have to clear out the hutch at least twice a day. Other than that, I find them a source of amusement. For one thing, they seem to know where to do their business: at the litter tray. Their curious nature seem to test my patience and tickle me at the same time. I almost ended up squashing one of them yesterday when I decided to lie down on the floor last night to watch TV. The rascal decided it was worth investigating when it saw me sit down on the floor. Not to mention during their hours out of the hutch, I can't take my eyes off them. Wires and carpets seem fair game to them when it comes to chewing. Every few minutes I have to check underneath the sofa to make sure they are not up to mischief. And why didn't anyone mention that rabbits have horrible sharp claws? My mom is going to have a field day the next time she comes over.
When I did eventually have my own place I always wanted a dog but it didn't seem like a good idea to leave a dog alone in the house for 12 hours a day. I could imagine coming home to happy tail wagging in a background of chaos and "landmines". Eventually I did get a fish in a bowl but there didn't seem much amusement in that aside from the fact that they don't usually don't live long.
And then I considered getting a cat - but the fact their poop are probably the most hazardous things next to anthrax did not appeal to me. And cat hairs are likely to give me fits. My mom also does not like cats - she's fine with them, as long as they don't live with her. I also did not appreciate that cats often appear nonchalant towards their owners. One queen in the house was quite enough. Last week, I did the unthinkable. I did not do it on an impulse because I thought about it for at least two months. It is undeniable though that I was reckless with my considerations. Maybe I just wanted to be less analytical for once and take a risk. So now here I am saddled down by a pair of rabbits.
Buyer's remorse, I definitely have it. Mostly from the fact that they poop and pee with such frequency that I have to clear out the hutch at least twice a day. Other than that, I find them a source of amusement. For one thing, they seem to know where to do their business: at the litter tray. Their curious nature seem to test my patience and tickle me at the same time. I almost ended up squashing one of them yesterday when I decided to lie down on the floor last night to watch TV. The rascal decided it was worth investigating when it saw me sit down on the floor. Not to mention during their hours out of the hutch, I can't take my eyes off them. Wires and carpets seem fair game to them when it comes to chewing. Every few minutes I have to check underneath the sofa to make sure they are not up to mischief. And why didn't anyone mention that rabbits have horrible sharp claws? My mom is going to have a field day the next time she comes over.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Frustration
This is an entry to alleviate Six's concern that my blog is dying, on top of the fact that I posted memoriams for two dead people twice in a row. What's wrong with honoring a geek who played a demon and a geek who is almost a demi-god to other geeks? In any case, Six, you will be happy to know that KFC is venturing into GRILLED chicken. A lot more healthier I must agree, but KGC just doesn't really have a nice ring to it - it sounds more like some secret terrorist organisation or some governmental department. Who can tell the difference nowadays.
So in case anyone out there is wondering why I often have a dearth and spurt period in producing blog entries, it is usually due to work. If I feel unhappy at work, entries come in less. Don't ask me why. The health of my writings is susceptible to my attitude and mood towards work. And at this moment, I am dying to get out but the current state of the world economy is holding me back from taking the risk. Low pay is better than no pay. I find it quite distressing how my creativity has been hitting a slump for the past 5 years. For any designer, that might as well be a death knell. And I don't know if it is just me or the state of the creative industry in Malaysia. For example, I have no real free reign over things I design. I might as well just ask my seniors and managers to dictate and I just vomit out the result, because in the end, none of the ideas are really mine. It doesn't help that my senior colleague speaks to me in a tone that I find demeaning. One might think I am not open to criticism, but I think there's a big difference in constructive criticism and plain insult. I hope this answers concerns as to why my Facebook status often expresses my urge for mayhem and violence towards my peers.
I don't think a holiday is going to help much either. I tend to come back feeling depressed and worse that it had to end and I am back to the vicious cycle. What I need is a job that I am interested in that doesn't make me feel like I am in a virtual prison for 8 hours a day. Right now, I feel like a trapped, stifled animal and I believe I am venting out my frustrations in unhealthy outlets. I NEED to GET OUT.
So in case anyone out there is wondering why I often have a dearth and spurt period in producing blog entries, it is usually due to work. If I feel unhappy at work, entries come in less. Don't ask me why. The health of my writings is susceptible to my attitude and mood towards work. And at this moment, I am dying to get out but the current state of the world economy is holding me back from taking the risk. Low pay is better than no pay. I find it quite distressing how my creativity has been hitting a slump for the past 5 years. For any designer, that might as well be a death knell. And I don't know if it is just me or the state of the creative industry in Malaysia. For example, I have no real free reign over things I design. I might as well just ask my seniors and managers to dictate and I just vomit out the result, because in the end, none of the ideas are really mine. It doesn't help that my senior colleague speaks to me in a tone that I find demeaning. One might think I am not open to criticism, but I think there's a big difference in constructive criticism and plain insult. I hope this answers concerns as to why my Facebook status often expresses my urge for mayhem and violence towards my peers.
I don't think a holiday is going to help much either. I tend to come back feeling depressed and worse that it had to end and I am back to the vicious cycle. What I need is a job that I am interested in that doesn't make me feel like I am in a virtual prison for 8 hours a day. Right now, I feel like a trapped, stifled animal and I believe I am venting out my frustrations in unhealthy outlets. I NEED to GET OUT.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Silent Hill: Homecoming
Contrary to what this image may imply, grabbing the enemy's boob is not going to help you defeat them.I had followed the Silent Hill series since it was first released, well I don't know, back in my high school days? It freaked the crap out of me and I loved it. None of those Resident Evil cheap scare and gore tactics for me please. Silent Hill was the type of game that will leave you spooked enough to want to keep your bedroom door locked at night long after you played the game. When Silent Hill 4: The Room came out after a long wait, I was much elated to finally be able to play the game. Then I was much disappointed at the rather no-brainer plot and drastic control changes which seem to be only loosely connected to Silent Hill. So I was thinking, after all the wrong they done to the series in SH4, they would at least have bothered to redeem themselves in the next installment, Silent Hill: Homecoming (SH5). WRONG! Nevermind they'd only released Silent Hill: 0rigins for PSP, which left me much pissed, but SH5 turned out to be quite an angry disappointment.
OK maybe I have no right to complain since I resorted to downloading the PC version which took me hours to troubleshoot and then eventually, me buying the pirated version which also had the same bugs as the downloaded version. So again, nevermind. Bottomline was I managed to get the game to work: clever me. Firstly, I was much pleased that the graphic have obviously went through a major improvement since the last installment. But that's where the good things end, no thanks to Konami switching over production from Team Silent to Foundation 9 Entertainment and Double Helix in the US. Leave it to the Americans to spoil the game. For some reason they seem to think more monsters mean better gameplay. When will they ever learn that they should leave horror to the Japanese? There are so many monsters swarming every setting, that their mis-happened nightmarish appearances ceases to scare you but become annoying obstacles. And as if that wasn't enough, they seem to possess some kind of fatality move that if you don't mash your mouse fast enough(which is usually the case considering how difficult it is to maneuver with a mouse and keyboard), leaves you dead without being able to even put up a fight. And believe me, dying 5 times in a row on the same setting just leaves you exasperated rather than wishing to continue. Considering I have always loved the way the series allows you to explore and figure out creative ways to get around, the throngs of monsters swarming you like bitches in heat just makes that impossible.
And that's not all I want to rant about. I mean, what kind of dumb plot is it anyway that SH5 has? It's like they couldn't decide to go with an independent psychological horror which is what SH2 was or that they should stick with the often vague cultish connections first introduced in SH1. In the end, they ended up with yet another SH4-like storyline with thin plots, loosely tied with Silent Hill. If it is not because I procured the game through, ahem, "unofficial" means, I would be throwing up a ruckus in demanding my money back for this poor excuse of a continuance in the Silent Hill franchise. If Konami has any intention in keeping the series alive, they would have the next installment done by Team Silent again. Americans... MEH!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
