Grim Thoughts

Just some things that went through my mind as I was starting to end the day.

What if...

Every religion in the world were wrong. That there is no life after death. No immortal spirit to outlive this so called mortal coil. That when we face the final curtain and the moment the body shuts down, there is no darkness, no light at the end of the tunnel, no green meadows of the land of the thereafter, none of the gone before to greet us... just... NOTHING. There is no spiritual immortality, all there is left is your decomposing corpse which will spend eternity six feet under or cremains scattered or lodged in an urn. No glory of the Christian God to greet the righteous dead on Judgement Day, no forty virgins await the Muslim martyr in paradise, no karma waiting to be repaid in the Buddhist samsara, no reincarnation for the faithful Hindu. Millions of people live a life in preparing for a life beyond this one. Live a religious life, they say, and you will be rewarded in the afterlife... when in the end it's just a life lived in fear in preparation for NOTHING.

There comes a time when...

All of us are deserving of some form of suffering for something that we did. That no matter how much denial we put into it, it will not make it unjust. That we will be undeserving of the sympathetic words of friends and family. For deep down in our wicked hearts, we know we had done unto others what we do not want done unto us. And for the rest, despite their willingness to offer assistance and consolation, will know in their conscience, the guilty had received his/her comeuppance.

Perhaps...

All gay people are deserving of the ridicule which is served unto them by the general society. That perhaps we are all just wasting our time going from man to man, spilling our seed in an orgy of lust when in the end there is nothing more to a gay relationship than an attraction of flesh. And perhaps all that homosexuality is, is just nature's way of removing the corrupted from the gene pool. For all we will ever be willing to do is to push our organs up the wrong receptacle in a mock display of copulation.

Thank You

I was about to teach class again as usual yesterday evening when I was approached by a a lady who looks to be around her forties. She was relatively new to my classes, and she had been trying to join as regularly as possible. As it was almost time for me to conduct my class, I had to excuse myself but before I went she said these words that really made my day.

"Just to let you know, I always enjoy your class. Always!"

For those who of you who think I'm doing this for the money, now you see the reason why. The money is just an added bonus, to be appreciated this way - that's the drive that gets me going. Give it up? I don't think so.

The Stray

I find that I may be withholding decisions - for a single person. Perhaps he is the last one unsettled business that I needed to complete. A year and a half ago I set out to try to change a life. That is just me, always picking up lost souls and strays in hopes of making a difference that I myself could not bring to my own self. Not that my past endeavours were anywhere near successful and I find myself questioning if it is even within my right to play moral guardian.

Nevertheless, I tried not to be a warden, rather just a guide. I grew to like this 'stray', perhaps a little too much. For some time I toyed with the idea, but I did not think I was what he needed. I began to have doubts - maybe I was doing it all wrong. In the end, I chose to abandon my little crusade, and hoping for the best, that perhaps life could teach him what I couldn't.

But in light of recent revelations, perhaps I was wrong to abandon what I originally set out to do. He had gone down the path that I feared and foresaw he would take. But life has always been about personal choices, is it not? I showed him the choices but he chose his path, so why do I feel like I have betrayed him?

Of Birthdays & Birds

And so I am another year older. 27 years old and I am feeling every bit the age. I can't seem to do late nights anymore without nodding off in front of my workstation the next day. Hell, I can't even begin to try to do late nights without feeling the immediate effects. Pinky thinks all I need is a vacation. I think I need a generous retirement package from a well-to-do 'mature sponsor' (sugar daddy in laymen terms), though I fear at this age I am no longer qualified to apply. Or maybe it is because of the dual life I lead as a group exercise instructor. Supposedly I was told the ideal number of classes one should be doing is around four times a week. However I am doing seven. I can't help it if I enjoy that more than my day job, to hell with next day zombie-fications.

That aside, the birthday went by almost like any other day. For once I think I am too preoccupied with other thoughts to be even putting any consideration into its significance. Most of the ones who should remember, forgot, and the ones who weren't close remembered. Don't really know how I should feel about it. Not to say I wasn't being appreciative of the wishes, but somehow I felt I would have just rather went past the day without being reminded. I think it made me more and more depressed with each greeting. Not that I mind getting older, I just can't bear to see how significant I am in the lives of others. So the day went by just like any other routine day. Joanne, a fellow instructor thought I was nuts though to be still instructing on my birthday but what better way to spend it doing what you like best.

For those who are still waiting for an answer on my potential migration down south, there is still no solid answer yet, so stop the questioning! The percentage of possibility seems to fluctuate everyday. I can basically summarise it to this. I don't want to go but I can't find a reason to stay either. It was never really about the money, I am just not sure if a move is the right way to go. I don't want to be doing something I might regret later, and for me that always seems to be the case. Forget the pep talk, whatever everyone had said so far wouldn't be something I hadn't thought of before. I just need to get over it myself. I am greatly appreciative though of the welcome my Singaporean friends have been extending to me so far despite my current uncertainty and lack of motivation.

One thing is for sure, the thought of being stuck at the crossroads is beginning to make me restless. Saw a couple of beagle pups for sale yesterday at an affordable price. Everybody knows I have been wanting one for ages but with this current issue of not knowing whether to stay or to go just puts a damper on everything. CJ had this thing about some birds having wings but no feet (basically people who can't settle down), I feel like a caged bird who just had its doors opened but doesn't know how to fly.

In Memoriam

Larry Stewart
1948 - 2007

In Memoriam

Iwao Takamoto
1925 - 2007

A Change?

I know I haven't been blogging for some time, not because I was busy - more like because I just couldn't find the mood for it. It's hard to imagine that just last month, I was living in fear that I might potentially find myself being unemployed for a few months. December is not exactly a good month to be jobless, with most people waiting out for their bonuses before resigning. But yet, somehow, after several exasperating interviews I still manage to secure a job that isn't too shabby. The colleagues are way more livelier than the ones in the previous two jobs, and I don't know if this is a plus point or not - my immediate superior is not exactly into the opposite sex either... How am I sure of this? Let's just say like Shakira's hips, Fridae doesn't lie.

It's definitely does not feel like a funeral home, neither do I have to suffer daily anxiety about trusting my colleagues with anything. And despite going through the same experience several times, I just will never learn. Even before December ended, I began to find myself swamped with more opportunities than I can handle. It would always be like this - initially all would be silent despite attending dozens of interviews with patronising interviewers (and putting on a plastic personality to accomodate them). I think there were times when I just dropped the mask because I was just plain fed up of being patient. Just when you think all hope is lost, several of them comes forward at the same time with offers as if you are some rare antique in an auction. Two of them I had no difficulty declining because I had no desire to be working with bicycles for a few years and definitely no enthusiasm with working for a potentially Prada wearing Devil. Two more are still in an uncertain interview stage though both seem enthusiastic, one sends me back into the publication and editorial line and the other, well... something I am not too familiar but I wouldn't mind trying out.

But being the pragmatist that I am, I accepted an offer to return back to the line I was more familiar with for now. And just when I thought I could just lie back and settle down again, another offer comes along and I swear it has to be Satan as Liz Hurley herself making up the offer. I could potentially find myself down south, leaving everything here in KL behind for a new life. I don't doubt that it is a good offer to further my career but seven years of building my life in KL is not something I could so easily let go. Although I have voiced my honest feelings to my friends that I will probably miss them if I go, all of them were quite adamant that they should be rid of me...

The bastards...

I know they mean well and for all that they assumed, it's not so much as to whether the offer was sweet enough for me to say yes. I just need to find the courage and confidence to take the step. I know it's just less than 5 hours away, but the thought of having to start all over again from square one just scares the crap out of me. And of all the people, it seems only my mother is not enthusiastic about the idea. Really, I think I inherited my cynical streak from her...

Recently one of my towels went missing after one of my sessions in the gym, and the management did not find it. Perplexing as it was for me, it made me realise that not everything will stay the same always. Perhaps my days in KL are now numbered.